Conservative Jews and Muslims Unite Against Canines in the Middle East

 An Indian Roller Exclusive by JIG

In a move that has surprised religious scholars worldwide, a prominent conservative Jewish organization, Moses' Only Jewish Offspring (MOJO), have joined hands with a hardline Muslim organization to ensure that the Middle East is free of dogs. Azhar bin Mehrab, a spokesman for the Saudi-based organization, Mujahedins Under Muhammad (MUM), confirmed that MUM had "preliminary discussions" on how to unite with the Jews who believe that the Middle-East should be rid of dogs.

"Dogs are dirty animals," said bin Mehrab. "Their saliva is full of bacteria, they sniff other dog's anuses and carry rabies, and our God does not like them. You can find it in our hadiths that dogs annoyed our Prophet, praise be upon him,  and they are a nuisance to this day." According to bin Mehrab, MUM was happy to collaborate with MOJO to "remove" all dogs from the Middle East.

Noah Weinstein, public relations director of MOJO, affirmed that the dogs are considered impure animals in the Jewish tradition. "We have the support of the rabbinical court to unite with the Muslims on the matter of dogs," said Weinstein. He added that MOJO was planning on a three-day conference on the topic of dog eradication in collaboration with MUM. "We are extending an invitation to Benjamin Netanyahu to be our keynote speaker," said Weinstein. "Bibi is a stalwart of conservative Jews like us."

This move towards unity against dogs has caught many religious scholars off guard. Erdal Tarek, head of the Theology department at Istanbul Congressional University (ICU), noted that such religious alliances between conservative Jewish and Muslim groups is "rare".

"This unity among the Jews and Muslims will rid us of the dog days of religious intolerance,"said Tarek.

Proverbial Chutney

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Return of Jesus Christ Thwarted by Terrorism Accusations

An Indian Roller/ROCK exclusive...

At a routine security check at Ben Gurion International Airport, Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) apprehended Jesus Christ and remanded him into custody on charges of terrorism and threats to human life. Sources close to the Church of Second Coming, the official international institution that negotiated Christ's return to Earth, say that IDF would not reveal the exact location in Israel where Christ is being held.

"He fit the exact profile of a Middle-Eastern terrorist," said Levi Benin, a spokesman for the IDF in Tel Aviv. "He was dark-haired, dark-eyed, and wore loose white clothing...like an Arab." Benin added that Christ also spoke in a foreign dialect which raised concern among the security officers that Christ was an "Arab acting suspiciously." The IDF reiterated that they have a "zero-tolerance policy for suspicious Arabs" at all Israeli airports.

In a bid to negotiate Christ's release, Xavier Don-Quie', Head of the global parish of the Church of Second Coming, has flown to Tel Aviv. But he admitted that it could be a case of mistaken identity. "Christ, as we all know from European paintings, is blonde and blue-eyed," said Donquie. "However, I am going to find out for myself, through extensive testing, if this is the real Christ or an imposter."

Don-Quie' noted that the tests that he has for the Jesus in custody are "standard" in the Christian lexicon - walk on water, turn water into wine, recreate virgin birth, revive the dead in Tel Aviv morgue, and simulate a resurrection. "If he passes every test," said Don-Quie',"I shall know that this is Christ, our Lord."

Top U.S. Report Reveals White, Conservative, Christian Male as "American Terrorist"

The latest report on the terrorism in the U.S. by the Council for Investigation of Terrorism in the U.S. (COITUS) revealed a profile of the demographic most likely to engage in terrorist activities in the U.S. -- the conservative, Christian, white male. The profile, which was gathered over six decades, revealed a demographic of individuals most likely to terrorize innocent Americans.

"Due to the coverage seen in mainstream media, such as Fox News, most Americans think that the Muslim youth are perpetrators of terrorist acts in the US, " said Andy Leipzig, data analyst at COITUS. "But, over the course of decades, our statistics show that terrorism in the U.S. is overwhelmingly perpetrated by white, Christian, conservative males." Leipzig added that some of the data revealed that Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and the Tea Party are instigators of violence and terrorism, but the report falls short of calling it a statistic. "We noted instances of terrorist rhetoric in the words of Beck, Palin, and the Tea Party, but we need a much larger data set to establish it as a trend or pattern," noted Leipzig.

To support the results of the report, COITUS released images of some of the American males involved in terrorism activities resulting in the loss of innocent Americans. The individuals in the images included Oklahoma bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh, Tucson attacker Jared Lee Loughner, and KKK minister Edgar Ray Killen.



Neville Holes, a spokesman for the Portland Tea Party Rally Organizers (POTPRO) dismissed the COITUS report as "claptrap" and argued for a vindication of Palin's involvement in the Tucson shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. "Sarah Palin's crosshairs on Gabrielle Giffords was just a metaphor for a human target because she is an avid gun enthusiast. Palin's words may incite violence and killings but she does not expect her words to inspire others to such acts."

The internet edition of Business Insider published an article on Jan. 8, revealing that Gabrielle Giffords was on Sarah Palin's hit list for voting for health care reform in the U.S.