Sunday, December 5, 2010

Proverbial Chutney

"Okay, let's go...All your passwords have expired."

Palin and Gingrich Comments Spark Change in Terrorist Racial Profile

Following comments by Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich that Julian Assange, the Wiki Leaks Editor-in-Chief, be labelled a "terrorist" and "enemy combatant", the team at Fox News is working on a new racial profile of a terrorist.

"For nearly eight years now, Fox News has maintained that the racial profile of a terrorist is a Middle-Eastern Muslim man." said Nev Wertru, spokesman for Fox News. "The comments by Palin and Gingrich compel us to change the racial profiles of terrorists to include Caucasian males with blonde hair."

Earlier this week, Fox News announced that it would release the new profile on its prime-time programming, a move that is expected to be "extremely controversial", according to Wertru.

"The majority of American are conditioned to seeing dark-haired, Middle-Eastern Muslims as terrorists, not blonde-haired, Caucasians," remarked Wertru. "But, Fox News is the most objective news agency and thanks to the comments of Palin and Gingrich, we have to report what we see as a new development."

Wertru argued that as a result of the new terrorist profile released by Fox News, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) will profile blonde-haired Caucasians as enemy combatants and terrorists at all U.S. airports.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Proverbial Chutney

Religious Party Convention in India Gets an Almighty Appearance

An Indian Roller Exclusive

A party convention in Mumbai organized by Shiv Sena, a right-wing Hindu party got a surprise visit from Lord Shiva, one of the principal Gods in the Hindu Trinity. The visit, on the third day of the convention, coincided with the birthday of the party's supremo, Bal Thackeray.

"It was a sign from the heavens," noted Kedar Apte, chief organizer of the convention. "The presence of Lord Shiva proves that we are the legitimate party of God. No other God has visited a party convention in the history of political parties in India."

According to sources, Lord Shiva spoke to the attendees for nearly an hour in a sing-song dialect of Prakrit, an ancient language of India. Only a few scholars in the congregation could decipher the dialect message and the same scholars were then ordered by the party high command to interpret Shiva's discourse for the gathering. Some in the audience lamented Lord Shiva's scant comprehension of modern-day Hindi or English.

"I understand Prakrit and Lord Shiva's message was perfectly clear," said Malini Shetty, one of scholars at the convention. "Hinduism is the number-one religion as long as we practice tolerance." Shetty also noted that Lord Shiva stressed upon the repatriation of the renowned artist, M.F.Hussain, whose relationship with Shiv Sena was estranged after he painted pictures of Hindu goddesses in varying degrees of nudity.

According to other scholars who were also attending, Lord Shiva reminded the congregation that many artists in ancient India painted and sculpted Shiva and his consort, Parvati, in sexually suggestive positions. "That's the beauty and latitude of art," said Nalini Pai, quoting Lord Shiva. "The nudity depicted in the reliefs of Shiva and Parvati in Khajuraho and other ancient temples in India is considered high art today and as well as regarded as priceless relics of our heritage."

A spokesperson for the Rationalist/Atheists of Indian Truth Adherents (RAITA) has denounced the reports of Shiva's visitation as "utter hokum."

The artist, M.F. Hussain, who is in a self-imposed exile in Qatar, could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Proverbial Chutney

Catholic Diocese in India Creates a Retreat for Convicted Priests

An Indian Roller exclusive...
A Catholic diocese in a rural town of eastern India has set the stage for a safe haven for priests convicted of paedophilia and other sexual abuses. Gurmu, a town with a population of nearly 200,000, boasts the largest concentration of Catholics per square kilometre in the world and the town hall recently voted the creation of the retreat for convicted priests. Earlier this year, the diocese, whose religious views are protected by arcane, nineteenth-century laws, announced that it was extending the invitations to all Catholic priests convicted worldwide.

"We all need to do God's work without distractions," said Father Augustine Ekka, Bishop of the Catholic Diocese of Gurmu. "We are providing a place to retool and rediscover our missionary potential." Father Ekka, who has been to the Vatican twice on official invitation, said that the idea came to him after he met with the Pope Benedict XVI in June 2009. "The Pope has his hands full of convicted paedophiles," noted Ekka,"and I just couldn't bear to watch our fearless leader suffer."

The plan to reinstate convicted priests was recently voted into effect by the Town Hall Committee of Gurmu. "We welcome the international attention that this is going to bring to our town," said Lionel Barla, a local councilman. "Gurmu is the destination for everyone who deserves a second chance and these convicted priests do. There is a rumour that noted Irish priest, Bill Carney, will be one of first to accept our is exciting."

Bill Carney, a convicted priest of the Dublin archdiocese, refused to comment on his forthcoming travel plans to India.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Proverbial Chutney

"Dude, 'straight' is so in."

Easter Hunt Reveals Christ's Coming to America

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

A farming community in Christobal, Arizona claims that it discovered the body of Jesus Christ during a childrens' Easter hunt. Three children found the body with Easter eggs strewn nearby in a wooded area of Christobal. The local farmers contacted the Knights of Arizona (KOA), a local militia with jurisdiction over Christobal, and Rupert Novarro, Supreme Father of KOA, confirmed that the body of indeed that of the prophet.

"This body is that of middle-aged, blue-eyed, Caucasian in his mid-thirties,"said Novarro,"and it proves that Jesus Christ came to America." He and KOA affiliates are working round the clock to create an open casket to house the prophet's remains in the Grand Auditorium at Christobal. "I am expecting millions of Christian faithfuls to flock this town in a matter of days,"adds Novarro.

Prominent Christian organizations in the U.S. and Europe have rejected Novarro's claims and some have labeled KOA's activities as "blasphemous." Darrin Cole, the head of Christian Activists Caucus (CAC), based in Maryland, argued that Novarro and KOA should be "censured" for their comments to the press. "We all know that Christ rose from the dead and ascended to the Heavens," said Novarro, "it's an undisputed fact." Cole added that there would be no possibility of any body or remains of Christ "lying around" in a wooded area.

Novarro dismisses all the criticism of him and KOA as "kooky talk."

"We are about to change the course of Christianity," stated Novarro, "If people doubt us, we invite them to Christobal to see for themselves what we have is a revelation!"

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Proverbial Chutney...

"Welcome... to the home of the original buffalo wings!"

Austin Suicide Attacker Hailed as Hero by Tea Party Activists

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

Andrew Joseph Stack, the terrorist who flew his plane into an IRS office in Austin, is being hailed as a hero and a patriot by members of the Tea Party movement in parts of Alaska. On a cold and blustery Sunday morning in Farlough, Alaska, several Tea Party activists came out on a rally in support of Stack's action with posters and banners bearing the "Taxed Enough Already" theme. Some members wore Bomber jackets and fighter pilot gear with signs that declared, "Destination IRS." The IRS office in Farlough is closed on Sundays.

"I think Joe Stack is a patriot," said Mary Dubet, who owns a local diner. "He is not a terrorist." Dubet, who is a strong supporter of former Alaska governer, Sarah Palin, thinks that Palin should embrace Stack's manifesto in her nationwide Tea Party speeches. In his manifesto, Stack had scathing words for the IRS, Wall Street bailouts, and the Catholic church.

"There is a fine line between heroism and terrorism,"said Randy Hobeck, who flew in from Tacoma, Washington, to show his support for the Alaska Tea Party movement. "The goverment may brand him a terrorist, but to us, he is a hero and a trailblazer. The death of Joe Stack is a giant leap for the Tea Party movement."