Monday, November 30, 2009

Proverbial Chutney...

"Okay, all your passwords's go time!"

Southern Church Decries Thanksgiving Dinners

== An Indian Roller Exclusive ==
A church in the Edonville, Arkansas has issued a statement that Thanksgiving dinners are sinful and blasphemous. The Church of Christian Knights (COCK), whose followers believe in a strict, literal interpretation of the Holy Bible, argue that the turkey did not feature as an edible bird in the Bible. "If God wanted us to eat turkey," said Tam Boding, wife of Rev. Boding, the head of COCK, "He would have put a turkey on the table for Jesus and his disciples and he did not. That says something about the bird." The church strongly believes that the only meat items featured in the original Thanksgiving dinner of 1621 were venison and wild fowl.

Most members of COCK, who are also against miscegenation of races, believe that modern retelling of the original Thanksgiving, is apocryphal. "The pilgrims were pure Christians who were chosen by the Lord to start a new world," said Tony Whiles, secretary of COCK,"and I don't believe they would be without food or shelter as the modern stories portray their predicament. If they needed help, they didn't need no Indians...God was right there to help them." Whiles argues that the stories of the Pilgrims having dinner with Native-American Indians is "pure fiction" and a figment of modern-day political correctness.

"Segregation was solidly in place under God's law in the United States until the Civil War,"noted Whiles,"and for the Pilgrims, our Christian forefathers, to sit down at a holy meal with non-believers of color is totally out of character. How would you even say grace at a meal where heathens are the meal providers?"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Proverbial Chutney

"Does this battery pack make me look fat?"

Palin Fans in Michigan Line Up for the Wrong Book

An Indian Roller DUN Report:
A scheduling mixup at a local book store in Ypsikawah, Michigan, led to an appearance by author, Sarah Palin, at the wrong book-signing engagement. The book store, Radiant Books, had scheduled a book signing event for local author, Audrey Silverman, whose book, "Going Rugelach", is one of Cookbook Stop 2009 bestsellers.

"Both Ms.Palin and Ms.Silverman discovered the engagement snafu,"said Valerie Knotts, Store Manager at Radiant Books. "We have since cleared the matter with the booking agents for both authors and rescheduled Ms. Palin's signing for a later date."

First-time author Silverman admits that the scheduling mix up did result in an unusual attendance at her signing. "My target audience is families looking to expand their cooking repertoire before Channukah and the holidays," she said, "and there were several members of the audience here that were holding up political signs and singing patriotic songs, which I thought was odd." When her booking agent explained the error to Ms. Silverman, she was quick to respond -- "Jewish-American cooking is patriotic!"

Fans of Palin, some of whom had waited more than five hours for the signing, were not as amused. "We are not here for cookbooks," said Obit Gold, a member of an advocacy group, Palinists for Action, Truth, Righteousness, Integrity, and Obedience to Trinity (PATRIOT). "This nation is being run by a black man who is as far away from Chistianity as our eyes can see. Our beautiful, European-Christian heritage is going to hell in a handcart." Gold added that Sarah Palin's fans are the "true Archie Bunkers of this nation" because "only Palin and Archie Bunker seems to have the material to rekindle the Great White Hope."

"We ain't worried about the Jews lined up here with us today," said Cash Wittier, President of the Ypsikawah PATRIOT chapter, "But, I sure have a good Archie Bunker quote for them Yamaha-wearing folks -- Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes." Wittier added that he was at the signing to hear Palin speak about her proposal to reinstate racial profiling of American citizens. "We need to protect and preserve this great nation to serve under one God,"said Wittier.