Sunday, March 22, 2009

Proverbial Chutney

"That's nature's form of mergers and acquisitions, son..."

Bashir and Bush Issued Two-For-One Warrants For Crimes

Recently, an anonymous source has informed Indian Roller Correspondent, Itinerant Little Leprechaun (ILLE) of the following:


The Hague: In an unprecedented ruling this morning, the International Criminal Court (ICC) announced that its prosecutors will serve a two-for-one warrant indictment of Sudanese President Omar al Bashir and former U.S. President George W. Bush. The ICC argues that the charges of crimes against humanity and war crimes are nearly identical for both individuals and a warrant with the same proscriptions will be issued to both.

"It's a departure from our court's modus operandi,"admitted Hans Joergen, Chief Justice of ICC," but the more we looked at the cases of Omar al Bashir and George W. Bush, the greater the similarities were between the war crimes and the crimes against humanity perpetrated by both individuals." Joergen added that this new move by the court is aimed at speeding up the delivery of indictments and possible conviction of both "alleged" criminals.

The ICC has urged Bashir and Bush to surrender themselves to the court immediately to face trial. The trial will be held at the Hague and it is expected to draw significant scrutiny from the world media.

"It sends a message to the despots and tyrants of all nations," added Sharif Akbar, Chief Foreign Correspondent of India Tribune," that no one is above the law." Akbar was confident that both Bush and Bashir would be convicted on "all counts" for their war crimes and crimes humanity.

"It's plain to see," added Alexandra Stavros, senior fellow at Larkin Peace Institute, a Washington think tank, "Both Bashir and Bush committed grave atrocities against their own citizens and abused their power and position. Now, it's Judgement Day and we hope that justice will be served."

Bush was at an inaugural ceremony of Kahuna Waves, a Dallas-area family water park, where the media approached him with news of the ICC warrant. He seemed unfazed by the ICC decision and instead urged the media to "enjoy the moment" at the water park.

"Look, they have a Waterboarding ride in this park,"said Bush, pointing to a tour guide of Kahuna Waves park, "I keep telling y'all. Waterboarding is fun!"

A spokesman for Omar Bashir's office declined to comment on the ICC warrant.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Proverbial Chutney

"Looks like your soul has turned to steel...I'm reassigning you to the scrap-metal department."

The Benchmarks of Celibacy

A recent article in the BBC News online, Priests to face 'sex drive tests', reports that the Catholic Church is about to screen future priests for their sexual urges. The goal here is to prevent further abuse of minors by religious figureheads and to protect the coffers of the Catholic church from further erosion by excessive lawsuits by past victims.

Our Indian Roller editorial correspondent, Right Orientation by Cause Krampus (ROCK), firmly believes that in order to put an end to the priests' sex scandals, the screening test for sexual urges should include this mandatory, 10-part questionnaire:

1. When you think of your masculine identity, whom do you relate to more: Harvey Milk, Dick Cheney, or Pope Benedict XVI?

2. Would you think that it is wrong to take the colors, pink, and turqouise, out of the rainbow?

3. Have you ever dreamt of Jesus as an altar boy?

4. When you hear the word, "celibacy" do you feel like "celebrating"?

5. Have you ever owned a tele-tubby or a pink Barbie?

6. When you hear the word "pride" what does it remind you of:
a) a parade of American patriots or
b) a parade of American queers?

7. Have you ever traveled to the cities of Sodom, Gomorrah, and West Hollywood?

8. Have you ever caught yourself singing the tune, "Our Father who art fruity and gay, hallowed be thy game..."

9. Do you feel that Satan, not the Pope, is answerable for the Catholic priests' sexual abuse of children?

10. Have you ever been a GLAAD giver?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Proverbial Chutney...

"Got balls?"

Disaffected Women Gripe About Glass Ceiling in Mainstream Religion

An exclusive from Indian Roller Correspondent, ILLE.

"Could I ever be the Pope or the next Dalai Lama?"

During a class in comparative religion, Sophie posed this question to her teacher. She recalls that her teacher was dumbfounded by her query which, literally, came out of the blue.

"The teacher just froze, as if she had been struck by a thunderbolt," recalls Sophie. “I felt like I had asked an inappropriate question."

Is there a proverbial "glass ceiling" in mainstream religion?

According to one Rabbi, a woman who runs a reformed temple, "there is a strong glass ceiling, and every woman in today's mainstream religion will feel it and face it. People had inferred that the feminist movement would make a permanent dent in the sexism rampant in mainstream religion," she notes, "but the recent decades have proven that the male chauvinism in religion came out pretty-much unscathed. You compare the strides that women have made in the workplace and you try to extrapolate that to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam or Buddhism and you realize that for the most part, all of you have is the status quo. Mainstream religion is stuck in the Middle Ages the chronological equivalent of using leeches as panacea.”

“Comparing the workplace and mainstream religion would be an exercise in disappointment for most women,” she added.

Recently, Fortune Magazine, a premier business and technology publication, noted that in 2008, there were 12 Women CEO's among the top FORTUNE 500 companies. Prominent among the list were names such as Indra Nooyi, Pepsico, Anne Mulcahy, Xerox, and Janet Robinson, New York Times.

I spoke with a local professor of Comparative Religion who stated that, "It's difficult to draw parallels with advancement of women in the workplace versus mainstream religion. Take Christianity, for instance, the top three positions in the board are occupied by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. There is no room for a woman there." She adds that search for the next Dalai Lama will be a "for-men-only" search.

"You look at the myths of Islam and Judaism and the main protagonists are all male," she also stated. "The Gods are all masculine and there is no room for a woman at the top. If you question that male order, you are branded a heretic, an infidel." She added that subjugation of women and relegation of women to inferior roles in society are often "institutionalized" in the holy books.

"I think that it is a wonder of our modern times that, despite the strong element of male chauvinism and misogyny prevalent in today's mainstream religions, that there are so many female adherents. I am amazed that conservative women, such as, Ann Coulter, go around extolling the virtues of Biblical lifestyle, whereas many passages in the Bible have major doses of sexism and misogyny embedded in the verbiage. If the Biblical lifestyles she espouses so vocally were to be actually enforced today, Ann Coulter would probably be stoned for having sex out of wedlock, sporting a mini skirt, and arguing with a man."

An astronomer whom I spoke with finds this debate about the star-crossed fate of women in religion "rather interesting."

"My advice to these women would be to blaze their own trail and create their own universe with their own rules" she said, "after all, that's exactly what the founding fathers of today's mainstream religions did. They concocted a paternal God and a male universe to suit their narrow, parochial visions."

She also added that people who feel disenchanted by sexism in mainstream religion should be able to find solace in the secular reaches of science, such as astronomy.

"It was Carl Sagan who said it best in the introduction to his Cosmos series. The universe is all that is or ever was or ever will be."