Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Benchmarks of Celibacy

A recent article in the BBC News online, Priests to face 'sex drive tests', reports that the Catholic Church is about to screen future priests for their sexual urges. The goal here is to prevent further abuse of minors by religious figureheads and to protect the coffers of the Catholic church from further erosion by excessive lawsuits by past victims.

Our Indian Roller editorial correspondent, Right Orientation by Cause Krampus (ROCK), firmly believes that in order to put an end to the priests' sex scandals, the screening test for sexual urges should include this mandatory, 10-part questionnaire:

1. When you think of your masculine identity, whom do you relate to more: Harvey Milk, Dick Cheney, or Pope Benedict XVI?

2. Would you think that it is wrong to take the colors, pink, and turqouise, out of the rainbow?

3. Have you ever dreamt of Jesus as an altar boy?

4. When you hear the word, "celibacy" do you feel like "celebrating"?

5. Have you ever owned a tele-tubby or a pink Barbie?

6. When you hear the word "pride" what does it remind you of:
a) a parade of American patriots or
b) a parade of American queers?

7. Have you ever traveled to the cities of Sodom, Gomorrah, and West Hollywood?

8. Have you ever caught yourself singing the tune, "Our Father who art fruity and gay, hallowed be thy game..."

9. Do you feel that Satan, not the Pope, is answerable for the Catholic priests' sexual abuse of children?

10. Have you ever been a GLAAD giver?

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