Monday, November 30, 2009

Southern Church Decries Thanksgiving Dinners

== An Indian Roller Exclusive ==
A church in the Edonville, Arkansas has issued a statement that Thanksgiving dinners are sinful and blasphemous. The Church of Christian Knights (COCK), whose followers believe in a strict, literal interpretation of the Holy Bible, argue that the turkey did not feature as an edible bird in the Bible. "If God wanted us to eat turkey," said Tam Boding, wife of Rev. Boding, the head of COCK, "He would have put a turkey on the table for Jesus and his disciples and he did not. That says something about the bird." The church strongly believes that the only meat items featured in the original Thanksgiving dinner of 1621 were venison and wild fowl.

Most members of COCK, who are also against miscegenation of races, believe that modern retelling of the original Thanksgiving, is apocryphal. "The pilgrims were pure Christians who were chosen by the Lord to start a new world," said Tony Whiles, secretary of COCK,"and I don't believe they would be without food or shelter as the modern stories portray their predicament. If they needed help, they didn't need no Indians...God was right there to help them." Whiles argues that the stories of the Pilgrims having dinner with Native-American Indians is "pure fiction" and a figment of modern-day political correctness.

"Segregation was solidly in place under God's law in the United States until the Civil War,"noted Whiles,"and for the Pilgrims, our Christian forefathers, to sit down at a holy meal with non-believers of color is totally out of character. How would you even say grace at a meal where heathens are the meal providers?"

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