The Indian Roller...

Conservative Jews and Muslims Unite Against Canines in the Middle East

2011-06-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive by JIG

In a move that has surprised religious scholars worldwide, a prominent conservative Jewish organization, Moses' Only Jewish Offspring (MOJO), have joined hands with a hardline Muslim organization to ensure that the Middle East is free of dogs. Azhar bin Mehrab, a spokesman for the Saudi-based organization, Mujahedins Under Muhammad (MUM), confirmed that MUM had "preliminary discussions" on how to unite with the Jews who believe that the Middle-East should be rid of dogs.

"Dogs are dirty animals," said bin Mehrab. "Their saliva is full of bacteria, they sniff other dog's anuses and carry rabies, and our God does not like them. You can find it in our hadiths that dogs annoyed our Prophet, praise be upon him, and they are a nuisance to this day." According to bin Mehrab, MUM was happy to collaborate with MOJO to "remove" all dogs from the Middle East.

Noah Weinstein, public relations director of MOJO, affirmed that the dogs are considered impure animals in the Jewish tradition. "We have the support of the rabbinical court to unite with the Muslims on the matter of dogs," said Weinstein. He added that MOJO was planning on a three-day conference on the topic of dog eradication in collaboration with MUM. "We are extending an invitation to Benjamin Netanyahu to be our keynote speaker," said Weinstein. "Bibi is a stalwart of conservative Jews like us."

This move towards unity against dogs has caught many religious scholars off guard. Erdal Tarek, head of the Theology department at Istanbul Congressional University (ICU), noted that such religious alliances between conservative Jewish and Muslim groups is "rare".

"This unity among the Jews and Muslims will rid us of the dog days of religious intolerance,"said Tarek.

Proverbial Chutney

2011-02-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

(To enlarge, click image)

Return of Jesus Christ Thwarted by Terrorism Accusations

2011-02-27T21:37:00.000-08:00

An Indian Roller/ROCK exclusive...

At a routine security check at Ben Gurion International Airport, Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) apprehended Jesus Christ and remanded him into custody on charges of terrorism and threats to human life. Sources close to the Church of Second Coming, the official international institution that negotiated Christ's return to Earth, say that IDF would not reveal the exact location in Israel where Christ is being held.

"He fit the exact profile of a Middle-Eastern terrorist," said Levi Benin, a spokesman for the IDF in Tel Aviv. "He was dark-haired, dark-eyed, and wore loose white clothing...like an Arab." Benin added that Christ also spoke in a foreign dialect which raised concern among the security officers that Christ was an "Arab acting suspiciously." The IDF reiterated that they have a "zero-tolerance policy for suspicious Arabs" at all Israeli airports.

In a bid to negotiate Christ's release, Xavier Don-Quie', Head of the global parish of the Church of Second Coming, has flown to Tel Aviv. But he admitted that it could be a case of mistaken identity. "Christ, as we all know from European paintings, is blonde and blue-eyed," said Donquie. "However, I am going to find out for myself, through extensive testing, if this is the real Christ or an imposter."

Don-Quie' noted that the tests that he has for the Jesus in custody are "standard" in the Christian lexicon - walk on water, turn water into wine, recreate virgin birth, revive the dead in Tel Aviv morgue, and simulate a resurrection. "If he passes every test," said Don-Quie',"I shall know that this is Christ, our Lord."

Top U.S. Report Reveals White, Conservative, Christian Male as "American Terrorist"

2011-01-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

The latest report on the terrorism in the U.S. by the Council for Investigation of Terrorism in the U.S. (COITUS) revealed a profile of the demographic most likely to engage in terrorist activities in the U.S. -- the conservative, Christian, white male. The profile, which was gathered over six decades, revealed a demographic of individuals most likely to terrorize innocent Americans.

"Due to the coverage seen in mainstream media, such as Fox News, most Americans think that the Muslim youth are perpetrators of terrorist acts in the US, " said Andy Leipzig, data analyst at COITUS. "But, over the course of decades, our statistics show that terrorism in the U.S. is overwhelmingly perpetrated by white, Christian, conservative males." Leipzig added that some of the data revealed that Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and the Tea Party are instigators of violence and terrorism, but the report falls short of calling it a statistic. "We noted instances of terrorist rhetoric in the words of Beck, Palin, and the Tea Party, but we need a much larger data set to establish it as a trend or pattern," noted Leipzig.

To support the results of the report, COITUS released images of some of the American males involved in terrorism activities resulting in the loss of innocent Americans. The individuals in the images included Oklahoma bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh, Tucson attacker Jared Lee Loughner, and KKK minister Edgar Ray Killen.

Neville Holes, a spokesman for the Portland Tea Party Rally Organizers (POTPRO) dismissed the COITUS report as "claptrap" and argued for a vindication of Palin's involvement in the Tucson shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. "Sarah Palin's crosshairs on Gabrielle Giffords was just a metaphor for a human target because she is an avid gun enthusiast. Palin's words may incite violence and killings but she does not expect her words to inspire others to such acts."

The internet edition of Business Insider published an article on Jan. 8, revealing that Gabrielle Giffords was on Sarah Palin's hit list for voting for health care reform in the U.S.

Proverbial Chutney

2010-12-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

"Okay, let's go...All your passwords have expired."

Palin and Gingrich Comments Spark Change in Terrorist Racial Profile

2010-12-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

Following comments by Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich that Julian Assange, the Wiki Leaks Editor-in-Chief, be labelled a "terrorist" and "enemy combatant", the team at Fox News is working on a new racial profile of a terrorist.

"For nearly eight years now, Fox News has maintained that the racial profile of a terrorist is a Middle-Eastern Muslim man." said Nev Wertru, spokesman for Fox News. "The comments by Palin and Gingrich compel us to change the racial profiles of terrorists to include Caucasian males with blonde hair."

Earlier this week, Fox News announced that it would release the new profile on its prime-time programming, a move that is expected to be "extremely controversial", according to Wertru.

"The majority of American are conditioned to seeing dark-haired, Middle-Eastern Muslims as terrorists, not blonde-haired, Caucasians," remarked Wertru. "But, Fox News is the most objective news agency and thanks to the comments of Palin and Gingrich, we have to report what we see as a new development."

Wertru argued that as a result of the new terrorist profile released by Fox News, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) will profile blonde-haired Caucasians as enemy combatants and terrorists at all U.S. airports.

Proverbial Chutney

2010-07-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

Religious Party Convention in India Gets an Almighty Appearance

2010-07-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive

A party convention in Mumbai organized by Shiv Sena, a right-wing Hindu party got a surprise visit from Lord Shiva, one of the principal Gods in the Hindu Trinity. The visit, on the third day of the convention, coincided with the birthday of the party's supremo, Bal Thackeray.

"It was a sign from the heavens," noted Kedar Apte, chief organizer of the convention. "The presence of Lord Shiva proves that we are the legitimate party of God. No other God has visited a party convention in the history of political parties in India."

According to sources, Lord Shiva spoke to the attendees for nearly an hour in a sing-song dialect of Prakrit, an ancient language of India. Only a few scholars in the congregation could decipher the dialect message and the same scholars were then ordered by the party high command to interpret Shiva's discourse for the gathering. Some in the audience lamented Lord Shiva's scant comprehension of modern-day Hindi or English.

"I understand Prakrit and Lord Shiva's message was perfectly clear," said Malini Shetty, one of scholars at the convention. "Hinduism is the number-one religion as long as we practice tolerance." Shetty also noted that Lord Shiva stressed upon the repatriation of the renowned artist, M.F.Hussain, whose relationship with Shiv Sena was estranged after he painted pictures of Hindu goddesses in varying degrees of nudity.

According to other scholars who were also attending, Lord Shiva reminded the congregation that many artists in ancient India painted and sculpted Shiva and his consort, Parvati, in sexually suggestive positions. "That's the beauty and latitude of art," said Nalini Pai, quoting Lord Shiva. "The nudity depicted in the reliefs of Shiva and Parvati in Khajuraho and other ancient temples in India is considered high art today and as well as regarded as priceless relics of our heritage."

A spokesperson for the Rationalist/Atheists of Indian Truth Adherents (RAITA) has denounced the reports of Shiva's visitation as "utter hokum."

The artist, M.F. Hussain, who is in a self-imposed exile in Qatar, could not be reached for comment.

Proverbial Chutney

2010-05-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

Catholic Diocese in India Creates a Retreat for Convicted Priests

2010-05-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller exclusive...
A Catholic diocese in a rural town of eastern India has set the stage for a safe haven for priests convicted of paedophilia and other sexual abuses. Gurmu, a town with a population of nearly 200,000, boasts the largest concentration of Catholics per square kilometre in the world and the town hall recently voted the creation of the retreat for convicted priests. Earlier this year, the diocese, whose religious views are protected by arcane, nineteenth-century laws, announced that it was extending the invitations to all Catholic priests convicted worldwide.

"We all need to do God's work without distractions," said Father Augustine Ekka, Bishop of the Catholic Diocese of Gurmu. "We are providing a place to retool and rediscover our missionary potential." Father Ekka, who has been to the Vatican twice on official invitation, said that the idea came to him after he met with the Pope Benedict XVI in June 2009. "The Pope has his hands full of convicted paedophiles," noted Ekka,"and I just couldn't bear to watch our fearless leader suffer."

The plan to reinstate convicted priests was recently voted into effect by the Town Hall Committee of Gurmu. "We welcome the international attention that this is going to bring to our town," said Lionel Barla, a local councilman. "Gurmu is the destination for everyone who deserves a second chance and these convicted priests do. There is a rumour that noted Irish priest, Bill Carney, will be one of first to accept our invitation...it is exciting."

Bill Carney, a convicted priest of the Dublin archdiocese, refused to comment on his forthcoming travel plans to India.

Proverbial Chutney

2010-04-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

"Dude, 'straight' is so in."

Easter Hunt Reveals Christ's Coming to America

2010-04-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

A farming community in Christobal, Arizona claims that it discovered the body of Jesus Christ during a childrens' Easter hunt. Three children found the body with Easter eggs strewn nearby in a wooded area of Christobal. The local farmers contacted the Knights of Arizona (KOA), a local militia with jurisdiction over Christobal, and Rupert Novarro, Supreme Father of KOA, confirmed that the body of indeed that of the prophet.

"This body is that of middle-aged, blue-eyed, Caucasian in his mid-thirties,"said Novarro,"and it proves that Jesus Christ came to America." He and KOA affiliates are working round the clock to create an open casket to house the prophet's remains in the Grand Auditorium at Christobal. "I am expecting millions of Christian faithfuls to flock this town in a matter of days,"adds Novarro.

Prominent Christian organizations in the U.S. and Europe have rejected Novarro's claims and some have labeled KOA's activities as "blasphemous." Darrin Cole, the head of Christian Activists Caucus (CAC), based in Maryland, argued that Novarro and KOA should be "censured" for their comments to the press. "We all know that Christ rose from the dead and ascended to the Heavens," said Novarro, "it's an undisputed fact." Cole added that there would be no possibility of any body or remains of Christ "lying around" in a wooded area.

Novarro dismisses all the criticism of him and KOA as "kooky talk."

"We are about to change the course of Christianity," stated Novarro, "If people doubt us, we invite them to Christobal to see for themselves what we have discovered...it is a revelation!"

Proverbial Chutney...

2010-02-21T00:26:00.001-08:00

"Welcome... to the home of the original buffalo wings!"

Austin Suicide Attacker Hailed as Hero by Tea Party Activists

2010-02-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

Andrew Joseph Stack, the terrorist who flew his plane into an IRS office in Austin, is being hailed as a hero and a patriot by members of the Tea Party movement in parts of Alaska. On a cold and blustery Sunday morning in Farlough, Alaska, several Tea Party activists came out on a rally in support of Stack's action with posters and banners bearing the "Taxed Enough Already" theme. Some members wore Bomber jackets and fighter pilot gear with signs that declared, "Destination IRS." The IRS office in Farlough is closed on Sundays.

"I think Joe Stack is a patriot," said Mary Dubet, who owns a local diner. "He is not a terrorist." Dubet, who is a strong supporter of former Alaska governer, Sarah Palin, thinks that Palin should embrace Stack's manifesto in her nationwide Tea Party speeches. In his manifesto, Stack had scathing words for the IRS, Wall Street bailouts, and the Catholic church.

"There is a fine line between heroism and terrorism,"said Randy Hobeck, who flew in from Tacoma, Washington, to show his support for the Alaska Tea Party movement. "The goverment may brand him a terrorist, but to us, he is a hero and a trailblazer. The death of Joe Stack is a giant leap for the Tea Party movement."

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-12-31T22:31:00.001-08:00

"Yes, Mrs. Gupta...my dog did my homework..."

Arkansas Store Owner Embraces Festivus as Official Store Holiday

2009-12-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

An Indian Roller DUN exclusive...

Tracy Sharpner, the owner of a hardware store in Bedford, Arkansas, has declared that her workplace will forego the tradition of celebrating Christmas and commemorate Festivus during the holidays of 2010. Festivus is a secular holiday created by writer Dan O'Keefe and popularized by his son, Daniel O'Keefe, a screenwriter for the hit TV show, Seinfeld.

Sharpner, who grew up in a Christian household in Darwin, California, moved to Arkansas nearly nine years ago to set up a store that featured products from local suppliers in Arkansas and neighboring states of Mississippi and Tennessee. "It's entirely a coincidence," said Sharpner,"but I happen to have a diverse demographic of religious denominations who are either my employees, my vendors, or my customers. I also have Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, and a few atheists who work here in permanent- or temporary-capacity. We have several global religions under one roof, right here."

As she looked around at other stores in Bedford, Sharpner admits that she was "shocked" to find that most stores observed only Christmas as part of the holiday festivities. "I thought it was very parochial and un-Christian to appropriate the holidays for one faith only,"said Sharpner. "Since I strongly felt that a change was in the air, I started with my workplace and talked to my employees." Sharpner says that she was "simply amazed" to find out that a majority of her staff felt especially alienated during the holidays.

"The holidays are supposed to bring everyone together, not just Christians." said Sharpner, adding that she put up the holiday celebrations at her store up for a vote."The majority of employees voted for Festivus because it was the most secular festival of all." Sharpner admits that she was "especially gratified" that her employees voted for a secular celebration.

"The United States is a secular nation,"noted Sharpner,"and it warms my heart that my employees are aware of our nation's founding principles and believe in sharing the holidays with people of all creeds. And an aluminum pole is the only accoutrement needed for the festivities. Now that's recyclable, green, and earth-friendly."

Proverbial Chutney

2009-12-25T01:56:00.000-08:00

"It's your Birthday...you drink for free..."

Utah Group Stages John Wayne Redux to Protect Tech Jobs

2009-12-25T01:52:00.000-08:00

An Indian Roller DUN exclusive...
An activist group from Salt Lake City, Utah, wants to revive the Hollywood persona of John Wayne from his Western-genre movies. The group, Duke in Person (DIP), hopes to embrace Wayne's on-screen persona to help stave off outsourcing of American technology jobs to India. Wayne's popular moniker was "Duke", a reference to his pet dog from his childhood days in Southern California.

Members of DIP, who are also called "dippies" in Salt Lake City area, mainly due to their John Wayne inspired swagger and diction, use a combination of braggadocio and sensationalism to drive home their message. Ranee Fox, the President of DIP, articulated the cause of his group: "Just like the Duke stood up against the Indians in our pioneering days, we need to stand up against the loss of tech jobs to Indians."

Fox argues that most Americans feel helpless against the spate of tech jobs moving from the U.S. to India. "You look at great pioneering cities like Orem and Provo where the software industry was once booming," said Fox, "But now, owing to Bangalore and Hyderabad, we have Indians taking over jobs that rightfully belongs here. We need a leader of the Duke's caliber to preserve what is ours."

Arguing that Indian were holding on to jobs that Americans deserve, DIPS Charter Secretary Marl Monody pointed to a 1971 Playboy interview in which Wayne was quoted as having said that "There were great numbers of people who needed new land the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." Drawing a parallel with recent U.S. and its annexation of lands belonging to Indians, Monody said that DIPS is asking for something similar. "We want the jobs that the Indians are selfishly keeping for themselves and if we have to annex their companies, so be it," said Monody. "I think the Duke would agree with us."

Proverbial Chutney

2009-12-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

"That little bit of spirit should uncork your emotions."

Religion and Real Estate Vie to Get Closer to God

2009-12-15T00:03:00.000-08:00

==An Indian Roller Consider it DUN exclusive==

With real estate prices taking a plunge in Dubai, a Sunni group with ties to the Saudi Royal family has been lobbying to buy the top floor of the Burj in Dubai at an undisclosed bargain price. The group, Dar al Dubai (DAD), plans to build a mosque in the top floor of the Burj, the tallest building in the world today.

"The top floor will be a prayer site for those who want to feel closest to Allah for a few minutes," said Dawood Ghazali, the DAD Public Relations Manager. "This is a mosque with the highest urban elevation on earth." Ghazali added that since the floor is accessible only via elevators, the prayer times will be restricted to 10 minutes per individual. "However," he said,"we will consider special requests."

The efforts to erect this soaring sanctum follows a global trend in high-rise sanctuaries. Recently, an influential group of Sikhs in Sirijaya, Malaysia, lobbied to establish a gurdwara in the top floor of the Petrones Towers in Kuala Lumpur. The move for the Petrones gurudwara, which was widely hailed as a reflection of the ascendancy of Sikhism in Malaysia, was withdrawn after the religious group and the developers of the Petrones Towers failed to reach a deal on the lease for the towers.

"We aim high,"said Ghazali, citing the charter of DAD,"because God wants us to."

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-11-30T01:14:00.001-08:00

"Okay, all your passwords expired...it's go time!"

Southern Church Decries Thanksgiving Dinners

2009-11-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

== An Indian Roller Exclusive ==
A church in the Edonville, Arkansas has issued a statement that Thanksgiving dinners are sinful and blasphemous. The Church of Christian Knights (COCK), whose followers believe in a strict, literal interpretation of the Holy Bible, argue that the turkey did not feature as an edible bird in the Bible. "If God wanted us to eat turkey," said Tam Boding, wife of Rev. Boding, the head of COCK, "He would have put a turkey on the table for Jesus and his disciples and he did not. That says something about the bird." The church strongly believes that the only meat items featured in the original Thanksgiving dinner of 1621 were venison and wild fowl.

Most members of COCK, who are also against miscegenation of races, believe that modern retelling of the original Thanksgiving, is apocryphal. "The pilgrims were pure Christians who were chosen by the Lord to start a new world," said Tony Whiles, secretary of COCK,"and I don't believe they would be without food or shelter as the modern stories portray their predicament. If they needed help, they didn't need no Indians...God was right there to help them." Whiles argues that the stories of the Pilgrims having dinner with Native-American Indians is "pure fiction" and a figment of modern-day political correctness.

"Segregation was solidly in place under God's law in the United States until the Civil War,"noted Whiles,"and for the Pilgrims, our Christian forefathers, to sit down at a holy meal with non-believers of color is totally out of character. How would you even say grace at a meal where heathens are the meal providers?"

Proverbial Chutney

2009-11-22T23:46:00.001-08:00

"Does this battery pack make me look fat?"

Palin Fans in Michigan Line Up for the Wrong Book

2009-11-22T23:41:00.000-08:00

An Indian Roller DUN Report:
A scheduling mixup at a local book store in Ypsikawah, Michigan, led to an appearance by author, Sarah Palin, at the wrong book-signing engagement. The book store, Radiant Books, had scheduled a book signing event for local author, Audrey Silverman, whose book, "Going Rugelach", is one of Cookbook Stop 2009 bestsellers.

"Both Ms.Palin and Ms.Silverman discovered the engagement snafu,"said Valerie Knotts, Store Manager at Radiant Books. "We have since cleared the matter with the booking agents for both authors and rescheduled Ms. Palin's signing for a later date."

First-time author Silverman admits that the scheduling mix up did result in an unusual attendance at her signing. "My target audience is families looking to expand their cooking repertoire before Channukah and the holidays," she said, "and there were several members of the audience here that were holding up political signs and singing patriotic songs, which I thought was odd." When her booking agent explained the error to Ms. Silverman, she was quick to respond -- "Jewish-American cooking is patriotic!"

Fans of Palin, some of whom had waited more than five hours for the signing, were not as amused. "We are not here for cookbooks," said Obit Gold, a member of an advocacy group, Palinists for Action, Truth, Righteousness, Integrity, and Obedience to Trinity (PATRIOT). "This nation is being run by a black man who is as far away from Chistianity as our eyes can see. Our beautiful, European-Christian heritage is going to hell in a handcart." Gold added that Sarah Palin's fans are the "true Archie Bunkers of this nation" because "only Palin and Archie Bunker seems to have the material to rekindle the Great White Hope."

"We ain't worried about the Jews lined up here with us today," said Cash Wittier, President of the Ypsikawah PATRIOT chapter, "But, I sure have a good Archie Bunker quote for them Yamaha-wearing folks -- Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes." Wittier added that he was at the signing to hear Palin speak about her proposal to reinstate racial profiling of American citizens. "We need to protect and preserve this great nation to serve under one God,"said Wittier.

Proverbial Chutney

2009-10-25T23:40:00.001-07:00

Mullah Issues Fatwa Against Annoying Animal

2009-10-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Ali Kuckamameh, a mullah in Tehran, has been so vexed by the repeated calls of a rooster in his neighborhood that he has issued a fatwa calling for its death. The rooster, whose owner calls him Bilal, annoyed Kuckamameh because its crowing would interfere with the mullah's early morning salat. As a mullah for a local mosque, Kuckamameh's role has to issue the salat, a call for prayer, to the faithful five times a day. Like most modern mosques in Tehran, the muezzin has the benefit of an electronic amplification system but Kuckamameh claims that the rooster's voice is "devilishly loud". "The rooster is interfering in my work and Allah's decree," said Kuckamameh,"and, therefore, he must die."

Bilal's owner, Mehdi Hassan, is terrified that one of Kuckamameh's faithful will carry out the fateful decree. "It is the nature of the rooster to crow,"said Hassan,"Allah willed it that way and I cannot stop Bilal from acting out his God-given nature?" Hassan admitted that he has considered giving the rooster sleeping pills to prevent him from crowing at the crack of dawn. "I'll do anything to save him,"said Hassan,"But I just don't know how I can afford sleeping pills for him for the rest of his life." A rooster can live up to 12 years and Hassan ekes out a living as a day-worker in the limestone quarries in the southern outskirts of Tehran.

To drown out the crows of Bilal at dawn, Hassan has built a special enclosure using wool and a cotton quilt to sound proof the cage. "It's tough,"admits Hassan,"because Bilal doesn't want to stay cooped up in the cage. He's a free spirit." If the enclosure proves ineffective, Hassan's other plan is to corral the rooster into a dark room until the morning call to prayers have passed.

Hassan admits that he has made efforts to pacify the irate mullah. "I offered him 40,000 Rials (approx. $ 4 USD) to upgrade Ali Kuckamameh's speaker system, but he insisted that I get rid of my rooseter instead," said Hassan.

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-08-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

"I see that you have all the qualities that we are seeking...When can you start?"

Kolkata Ragpicker Recooks Leftover Chicken to Win India's Major Culinary Award

2009-08-16T13:25:00.002-07:00

Indian Roller Exclusive by:

Shanti Bhuj, a 12-year-old ragpicker from the Tangra locality of Kolkata, won the presitigious Rashoi Ruchi (Kitchen Taste) Award in a culinary competition held at Kolkata's landmark Park Street Luxury Hotel. The award competition, hosted every year by the Culinary Chefs Consortium of the Parganas (CCCP), was attended by a record 248 competitors from the India sub-continent including entrants from Bangladesh, Burma, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka. Bhuj's winning entry was a dish of chicken biryani and it garnered top honors from all but one of the nine judges and beat its nearest competitor by 28 points. "As far as we are concerned,"said Abhijit Roy, a local celebrity chef and one of the judges."Shanti's entry blew the competition away. In fact, there was no competing with her biryani."

Local and national media rushed to cover the details when Bhuj's family revealed that the chicken and the rice used in the biryani were actually from leftovers rummaged from a trash bin following a wedding reception in Kolkata. A biryani is a spiced rice pilaf made with meats or vegetables.

Bhuj and her family manage to survive on an income of less than $1 a day by recycling the plastics, glass, and paper that they rummage out of local dumpsters and trash sites in and around Tangra. "There is a wedding hall on Lower Circus Road,"said Amiya Bhuj, Shanti's father, "and we often get to eat the leftovers after the wedding reception. We get by because there are a lot of receptions every week at this hall and the owners don't mind us eating out of their trash."

The news that the judges at the Rashoi Ruchi awards, an event telecast live throughout India, ate a winning meal made of leftovers has sent shockwaves through the media. This year the competition, as part of its outreach program, opened the entries to inner-city, economically-disadvantaged communities. A Tangra-area social worker had urged Shanti to enter her name in the contest. The Selection Committee, anticipating a profusion of entries from the public, set up a lottery scheme to pick a single entry. Shanti, who entered the competition with the help of Yasmeen Rahman, a social worker, had the winning entry in the lottery.

"Shanti has a knack for cooking,"said Rahman, who works with teens in the disadvantaged neighborhoods of Tangra."She was always asking me to try out some of her culinary creations that she created on her mother's coal stove. She lives close to the squalor and the foul stench of the local garbage dumps but her cooking is inspired by flavours that remind you of the legendary Mughlai cuisines. I believed it in my heart that Shanti could win."

Shanti would like to use the Award money to "rent a flat with a real kitchen" for her mother. Several TV sponsors, including JeeMedia, a cooking channel, have approached her with offers. Rahman noted that Shanti and her family deserved "a break" from their indigent conditions and that Shanti should entertain some of the offers coming her way but that she should "stay in school" to get an education. "She might be the first person in her immediate family to have a chance to get a high-school education, and perhaps, a higher degree in a field of her choice,"said Rahman,"And she should make full use of this opportunity."

"Shanti's runaway success could make Kolkata residents think twice about what to do with their leftovers," added Rahman.

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-08-16T13:25:00.001-07:00

"No, lieutenant...first, we label 'em 'Enemy Combatants'...then, we keep 'em forever..."

U.S. Right Wingers Embrace Air Travel E-Device that Detects Arabs

2009-07-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

An ILLE exclusive:

A right wing group from Kentucky, Citizens United for Limbaugh and Coulter (CULT), has announced a device that, the group claims, will help air passengers identify Arab-born citizens before a flight. The electronic device, ArabBorn, is being assembled at an undisclosed CULT facility in Kentucky with components imported from China.

"This e-device offers us an opportunity to heed the words of Limbaugh and Coulter,"said Rube Naitbell, Grand Vazir of CULT in Morrisvale, Kentucky. "It allows us to detect if an Arab is flying with us and thereby gives us a choice to either notify the flight crew or deplane the aircraft altogether," added Naitbell. The ArabBorn device is the size of a digital golf caddy.

"I love the name, ArabBorn,"said Rosy McAllister,"because like the pill, Airborne, this clever doohickey was invented by a local school teacher, who I shall not name. He invented it because he wanted to find out how many students in his class were Arabs without breaking any state laws." According to McAllister, the device contains profiles and a lexicon of mannerisms that allows her to "instantly" detect Arabs at an airport or in a flight.

"Now, whenever, I fly,"said McAllister,"I make sure to take both my Airborne and ArabBorn...that is the healthy and friendly way to fly."

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-05-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

"I can never be an Early Bird, son...I'm a Night Owl..."

Father Names His Sons Moehamud to Dissuade Them from Flying

2009-05-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

A father who suffers from aviophobia, has rechristened his two sons, Moehamud, in an effort to discourage them from flying in commercial airlines. Bradley Lauer, a resident of Caseville, Wisconsin, had been diagnosed with chronic aviophobia, a fear of flying, about five years ago and has kept his anxiety disorder under control by not flying.

"I am sure that it runs in the family," said Lauer,"and I don't want my two sons to suffer from the hassle that I have had to go through." He argued that by rechristening his two children, Moehamad, he was hoping to discourage them from flying ever. "Nowadays, flying commercial airlines with a name like Moehamud is very difficult," said Lauer,"and I hope that it convinces my children to avoid flying altogether." He added that in America, there are plenty of alternative forms of transportation where the name "Moehamud" is not an impediment. "Commercial aircrafts are one of the greatest polluters of the environment, and I hope their name change encourages my kids to consider alternative forms of transportation that is cheaper and greener,"added Lauer.

The father hopes to make his son's transition to their new names as smooth as possible. "I just pre-pended their names with Moehamud,"said Lauer."They can retain the rest of their original names, so that their friends can still call them Chris, Nick or even, Moe Sr. and Moe Jr." As a result of this change, the sons are named Moehamud Chris Lauer and Moehamud Nick Lauer. "I dig the name, Moe,"said Lauer, admitting that the he identified with the eponymous bartender from the hit TV show, The Simpsons.

"I am buying Amtrak tickets for the family this summer,"noted Lauer."My sons and I will be travelling cross-country, hassle-free, using just trains and perhaps, automobiles."

Indian Roller Exclusive by:

Proverbial Chutney

2009-04-26T23:37:00.001-07:00

The Bible Voted "Most Popular Fairy Tale"

2009-04-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

A recent poll conducted by the International Association of Myths and Folklores (IAMF), an organization of folklore scholars and researchers, concluded that the Bible is the most popular fairy tale ever. "The Bible trumps any other other religious or popular tale by nearly 8 percent in every category," noted Jude Abhramson,"but it scored highest in popularity in the "miracle" categories."

The poll featured several religious books -- the Koran, the Bible, The Torah, the Gita -- and popular fairy tales from several nations. The criteria used in the polls were: miracles, heroes, plots, violence, sex, suspense, and moral content. According to the pollsters, the Bible beat the other fairy tales in popularity in all but one category -- suspense.

"Most respondents noted that they were turned off by Jesus' and Moses' repeated acts of clairvoyance thereby spoiling the suspense in the stories of the Bible,"said Laihm Durkaim, a researcher at IAMF."For example, in Red Riding Hood, a reader has no idea that the big, bad wolf is going to disguise himself as the girl's grandmother and that clearly adds to the gripping suspense." Durkaim added that in the polls, the talking snake in the Bible beat the talking ants in the Koran in popularity.

"This poll is evidence that fairy godmothers fare right up there with God,"noted Steve Broad, author of the best-selling book, Faery Travelogue. "This polls shows that the miracle of turning a pumpkin into a stagecoach in Cinderella is nearly as popular as the miracle of Jesus turning water into wine in the Bible." Broad says that he was not surprised to find that, according to the poll, the authors of the Bible, the Gita, and the Koran were as popular as the famous European author of fairy tales, Hans Christian Andersen. "It shows, that just like H.C.Andersen, the authors of the so-called, 'holy books', were creative, inventive, and had a fertile imagination."

Later this year, IAMF plans to release a special edition of the Bible featuring the title, "Best Fairy Tale Ever."

Ashoka the Great Bedevils BJP Annual Convention

2009-04-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller exclusive...

The ghost of Ashoka the Great, the Indian Emperor who ruled the subcontinents from 273 BCE to 232 BCE, is alleged to have disrupted the annual convention of the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) in Ahmedabad, India. Several members of BJP, India's Hindutva and centre-right party, reported to the media yesterday that the apparition of Ashoka the Great had made numerous overtures unleashing panic and fear among the convention attendees.

Several segments of the Indian media interpreted the news as an appeal by Ashoka the Great towards religious tolerance and multiculturalism. "It appears to be a fulfillment of a prophecy,"said Nikhil Ojha, the editorial columnist of Ranchi Tribune, a news daily with wide circulation in the eastern state of Jharkhand, "Ashoka's visitation was preordained by karma." Ojha was referring to a prediction earlier this year by Jyotish Kumarmangalam, a renowned astrologer, that the "spirit of Ashoka" would make itself "available" to curb Hindu nationalism in India. Kumarmangalam could not be reached for comment.

Joseph Kutty, news reporter for India Now, one of India's premier news-weekly, explained Ashoka's apparition as "long time coming" while pointing out that Ashoka the Great, a Buddhist Emperor, was India's foremost regent. "You can see Ashoka's legacy everywhere," he noted, "in Indian currency, in dharma chakra, in our national flag, and in the great Buddhist stupas throughout the nation." Kutty feels that Ashoka's appearance at the BJP annual convention is not a coincidence. "It's a reminder to all the Hindu, right-wing, nationalists in BJP that India is not a Hindu nation despite what BJP might claim," he added, "The greatest ruler of India, in our rich and diverse history, was a Buddhist and his message was one of non-violence and religious tolerance."

The organizing committee of the annual BJP convention branded Ashoka's ghost as an "unwelcome distraction." "If he appears again, we will be ready for him,"said, Lalu Advani, a BJP functionary, adding that the party had several professional exorcists among its rank and file."We'll make sure that Ashoka thinks twice before disrupting our proceedings again." Advani remarked that, owing to the recent events, involving the ghost of Ashoka, the party is considering moving its headquarters from Ashoka Road, New Delhi to another "suitable" location.

Turning a New Leaf on India Before 1947

2009-04-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

An Indian Roller/JIG exclusive...

A tea leaf picked by a tea labourer in plantation in Assam, India reveals a map of united India before the partition of 1947. Lapsong Namchek, a tea labourer in the Daradhili Tea Estate in the north-eastern region of India, said that she chanced upon the "special" tea leaf on a routine tea-plucking session on April 6, 2009. She promptly informed her manager, Sushil Bordoloi, who informed the local media of this "once-in-a-lifetime" discovery.

"In these parts, we believe that each etiolated pattern on a tea leaf is unique and a harbinger of the future," said Bordoloi, "and this leaf predicts that India, Pakistan and Bangladesh is going to reunite." The news of the "reunifying" tea leaf has made headlines in the Indian media.

"This is a sign to all denizens of the Indian continent that we must undo the wrong done by the Colonial British in India," remarked Mohsin Kidwai, a renowned political activist based in Ranchi, India, "The British split us up into three nations 62 years ago and now it's time for us to turn back time."

The tea leaf has been moved to National Tea Museum in Guwahiti, India, where patrons have flocked to watch the leaf which is being preserved in a hermetically-sealed glass container. "This proves that political divisions are all man made," said Arati Nag, a local visitor, as she jostled with other onlookers to catch a fleeting glimpse of the leaf, "It took a tea leaf to reunite us all."

The embassies of all three nations, India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, have refused to comment to the press on the swirling buzz around the "reunifying" tea leaf. The Guwahiti Sentinel, the largest daily in Assam, reports that an employee of the Daradhili Tea Estate had started a blog, www.chaipattinews.com, to report on the community groundswell surrounding the reunification of the Indian subcontinent. The newspaper also noted that the blog had been promptly shut down by the Assam government authorities.

Proverbial Chutney

2009-04-06T00:00:00.002-07:00

"Wish I could revitalize as a stimulus package for Easter."

Small Nano Set for Big Fanfare

2009-04-06T00:00:00.001-07:00

An Indian Roller Exclusive...

India's Tata Motoring Group (TMG) unveiled the world's cheapest car, Nano, billing it the "people's car." And like the legendary Volkswagen Beetle, from which the Nano draws its "people's car" moniker, it is rear-engined. TMG plans to ship the first orders of Nano in April 2009.

"The Nano is proof-positive that small is beautiful, affordable, and eco-friendly." remarked Rattan Tata, Chairman of TMG,"It's an Italian design created for the Indian people -- very much like the President of Indian National Congress." Tata was referring to Sonia Gandhi, the Italian-born head of India's ruling political party. Tata added that while Gandhi had been working on the upliftment of economic conditions for the poor, TMG had been pursuing more transportation solutions for India's poor. "We have a duty to promote this car to the poor," he remarked.

Sunshine Media, the advertising & media company hired by TMG to promote the Nano announced this month that the company has finalized a three-part commercial featuring Robin Williams, the veteran Hollywood comedian and movie star. Williams, who starred as Mork, an anthropomorphic alien, in the 1970's hit-show, Mork and Mindy, made the alien character famous with his trademark alien greeting, "Nanu, Nanu!" In the new commercials for the Nano car, Williams is expected to reprise his alien impersonation but alter his greeting to say "Nano, Nano!"

Tata Motors is going ahead with initial production target of 250,000 Nanos a year despite concerns about its impact on the environment and its design limitations. The launch of Nano has alarmed the Go-Green movement in India which claims that Nano is just another "carbon-emitting, gas-powered vehicle". "It is not a solution,"said Rajivendra Preachauri,"the people of India need mass-transit, not gas-transit." He added that the sight of Nanos clogging up India's gridlocked streets will be akin to a horror movie, like the "Invasion of Tata Nanobots".

The Tall Clubs International (www.tall.org), a worldwide consortium of tall people, has issued a formal protest to Tata Motors claiming that the car's cabin space and lack of headroom discriminates against tall people. Billie Jeanette Maurisen, the 2008 Miss Tallest International remarked that this was another instance that tall people were not consulted at any stage of the design process. "Italy, where the Nano was designed, has a lot of tall people."Maurisen said,"You would think that Tata Motors would care to involve tall people in the design and development process."

Responding to criticism about the size of the car, Ratan Tata explained that the "Nano" means "less" in Gujarati. "The poor in India are short and thin." Tata added, "Making the Nano any bigger would turn the brand into an oxymoron. In fact, we have tried to make the Nano less of a car in every way possible."

According to Tata, staying true to TMG's goal for the Nano as "less of a car" was "paramount". The car has one less wing nut than the statutory four nuts. It has one windscreen wiper instead of the standard two wipers. It has one less sideview mirror and less welded parts than a regular car. Many of the external parts of the Nano are held together with glue.

"The Nano proves to the automobile aficionados that less is more." said Tata.

Proverbial Chutney

2009-03-22T01:07:00.001-07:00

"That's nature's form of mergers and acquisitions, son..."

Bashir and Bush Issued Two-For-One Warrants For Crimes

2009-03-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, an anonymous source has informed Indian Roller Correspondent, Itinerant Little Leprechaun (ILLE) of the following:

ILLE:

The Hague: In an unprecedented ruling this morning, the International Criminal Court (ICC) announced that its prosecutors will serve a two-for-one warrant indictment of Sudanese President Omar al Bashir and former U.S. President George W. Bush. The ICC argues that the charges of crimes against humanity and war crimes are nearly identical for both individuals and a warrant with the same proscriptions will be issued to both.

"It's a departure from our court's modus operandi,"admitted Hans Joergen, Chief Justice of ICC," but the more we looked at the cases of Omar al Bashir and George W. Bush, the greater the similarities were between the war crimes and the crimes against humanity perpetrated by both individuals." Joergen added that this new move by the court is aimed at speeding up the delivery of indictments and possible conviction of both "alleged" criminals.

The ICC has urged Bashir and Bush to surrender themselves to the court immediately to face trial. The trial will be held at the Hague and it is expected to draw significant scrutiny from the world media.

"It sends a message to the despots and tyrants of all nations," added Sharif Akbar, Chief Foreign Correspondent of India Tribune," that no one is above the law." Akbar was confident that both Bush and Bashir would be convicted on "all counts" for their war crimes and crimes humanity.

"It's plain to see," added Alexandra Stavros, senior fellow at Larkin Peace Institute, a Washington think tank, "Both Bashir and Bush committed grave atrocities against their own citizens and abused their power and position. Now, it's Judgement Day and we hope that justice will be served."

Bush was at an inaugural ceremony of Kahuna Waves, a Dallas-area family water park, where the media approached him with news of the ICC warrant. He seemed unfazed by the ICC decision and instead urged the media to "enjoy the moment" at the water park.

"Look, they have a Waterboarding ride in this park,"said Bush, pointing to a tour guide of Kahuna Waves park, "I keep telling y'all. Waterboarding is fun!"

A spokesman for Omar Bashir's office declined to comment on the ICC warrant.

Proverbial Chutney

2009-03-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

"Looks like your soul has turned to steel...I'm reassigning you to the scrap-metal department."

The Benchmarks of Celibacy

2009-03-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

A recent article in the BBC News online, Priests to face 'sex drive tests', reports that the Catholic Church is about to screen future priests for their sexual urges. The goal here is to prevent further abuse of minors by religious figureheads and to protect the coffers of the Catholic church from further erosion by excessive lawsuits by past victims.

Our Indian Roller editorial correspondent, Right Orientation by Cause Krampus (ROCK), firmly believes that in order to put an end to the priests' sex scandals, the screening test for sexual urges should include this mandatory, 10-part questionnaire:

1. When you think of your masculine identity, whom do you relate to more: Harvey Milk, Dick Cheney, or Pope Benedict XVI?

2. Would you think that it is wrong to take the colors, pink, and turqouise, out of the rainbow?

3. Have you ever dreamt of Jesus as an altar boy?

4. When you hear the word, "celibacy" do you feel like "celebrating"?

5. Have you ever owned a tele-tubby or a pink Barbie?

6. When you hear the word "pride" what does it remind you of:
a) a parade of American patriots or
b) a parade of American queers?

7. Have you ever traveled to the cities of Sodom, Gomorrah, and West Hollywood?

8. Have you ever caught yourself singing the tune, "Our Father who art fruity and gay, hallowed be thy game..."

9. Do you feel that Satan, not the Pope, is answerable for the Catholic priests' sexual abuse of children?

10. Have you ever been a GLAAD giver?

Proverbial Chutney...

2009-03-02T00:16:00.001-08:00

"Got balls?"

Disaffected Women Gripe About Glass Ceiling in Mainstream Religion

2009-03-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

An exclusive from Indian Roller Correspondent, ILLE.

"Could I ever be the Pope or the next Dalai Lama?"

During a class in comparative religion, Sophie posed this question to her teacher. She recalls that her teacher was dumbfounded by her query which, literally, came out of the blue.

"The teacher just froze, as if she had been struck by a thunderbolt," recalls Sophie. “I felt like I had asked an inappropriate question."

Is there a proverbial "glass ceiling" in mainstream religion?

According to one Rabbi, a woman who runs a reformed temple, "there is a strong glass ceiling, and every woman in today's mainstream religion will feel it and face it. People had inferred that the feminist movement would make a permanent dent in the sexism rampant in mainstream religion," she notes, "but the recent decades have proven that the male chauvinism in religion came out pretty-much unscathed. You compare the strides that women have made in the workplace and you try to extrapolate that to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam or Buddhism and you realize that for the most part, all of you have is the status quo. Mainstream religion is stuck in the Middle Ages the chronological equivalent of using leeches as panacea.”

“Comparing the workplace and mainstream religion would be an exercise in disappointment for most women,” she added.

Recently, Fortune Magazine, a premier business and technology publication, noted that in 2008, there were 12 Women CEO's among the top FORTUNE 500 companies. Prominent among the list were names such as Indra Nooyi, Pepsico, Anne Mulcahy, Xerox, and Janet Robinson, New York Times.

I spoke with a local professor of Comparative Religion who stated that, "It's difficult to draw parallels with advancement of women in the workplace versus mainstream religion. Take Christianity, for instance, the top three positions in the board are occupied by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. There is no room for a woman there." She adds that search for the next Dalai Lama will be a "for-men-only" search.

"You look at the myths of Islam and Judaism and the main protagonists are all male," she also stated. "The Gods are all masculine and there is no room for a woman at the top. If you question that male order, you are branded a heretic, an infidel." She added that subjugation of women and relegation of women to inferior roles in society are often "institutionalized" in the holy books.

"I think that it is a wonder of our modern times that, despite the strong element of male chauvinism and misogyny prevalent in today's mainstream religions, that there are so many female adherents. I am amazed that conservative women, such as, Ann Coulter, go around extolling the virtues of Biblical lifestyle, whereas many passages in the Bible have major doses of sexism and misogyny embedded in the verbiage. If the Biblical lifestyles she espouses so vocally were to be actually enforced today, Ann Coulter would probably be stoned for having sex out of wedlock, sporting a mini skirt, and arguing with a man."

An astronomer whom I spoke with finds this debate about the star-crossed fate of women in religion "rather interesting."

"My advice to these women would be to blaze their own trail and create their own universe with their own rules" she said, "after all, that's exactly what the founding fathers of today's mainstream religions did. They concocted a paternal God and a male universe to suit their narrow, parochial visions."

She also added that people who feel disenchanted by sexism in mainstream religion should be able to find solace in the secular reaches of science, such as astronomy.

"It was Carl Sagan who said it best in the introduction to his Cosmos series. The universe is all that is or ever was or ever will be."

The Pure Science of Segregation

2009-02-21T22:16:00.000-08:00

Copyright 1959, by D.C. Heath and Company

These illustrations are from the book, "Science for Work and Play" by Herman and Nina Schneider. The book was part of the California State Series and published by the California State Department of Education, Sacramento, 1959. The illustrators are Cheslie D'Andrea, Malcom Harvey, and Marguerite Scott.

According to the Encylopedia of Chicago, "redlining" is the practice of arbitrarily denying or limiting financial services to specific neighborhoods, generally because its residents are people of color or are poor. Here's an example of state-sponsored "redlining" in science education.

It's a good thing that the civil rights movement and affirmative action were just around the bend from this book's publishing date in 1959. Otherwise, we might have been stuck in this doggerel for who knows how long...

Pure Science

Look at this community
All so tight
Inbuilt immunity
Science pure as white

Look at this school day
The Lord made it right
Among books none outweigh
The Bible pure as white

Was this the nineteen fifties
All smiles and delight
Only outskirts, far from cities
Burbs pure as white?

-- by "Blessed Am I?"

Proverbial Chutney

2009-02-20T10:03:00.003-08:00

Mr.Goosen's gone windsurfing in Mali. I'm his PDA. How can I help you?

Islamophobia Rears its Ugly Head Again

2009-02-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

An exclusive from Indian Roller Correspondent, Itinerant Little Leprechaun (ILLE)

ILLE:

Earlier this week, the news media was agog with the details of a prominent TV executive who beheaded his wife after an altercation in Orchard Park, NY. While it made sense to highlight this horrific crime of domestic abuse, was it really necessary to capitalize on the religion of the accused, which happened to be Islam? Indeed, before the specifics of the case were established by the courts, media headlines screamed out that he was a "Muslim" man. Here are a few notable examples:

Yahoo News

Muslim TV exec accused of beheading wife in NY

MSNBC

U.S. Muslim TV network founder charged with beheading wife

Miami Herald

Prominent Muslim man beheads wife

Using the same logic, if the media chose to emphasize the religious denomination of every newsworthy individual, here's an indication of how some prominent crime-news headlines of the past might have appeared...

Senator Ted Kennedy

Catholic Senator Escapes Manslaughter Charges for Drowning Incident

Timothy McVeigh

Christian Army Veteran Accused of Bombing Oklahoma Federal Building

Bugsy Siegel

Jewish Casino Owner Accused of Murdering Police Informer

Joseph Smith

U.S. Mormon Founder Adds 14-Year Old Girl to His 30+ Wives

Dylan Bennet Klebold

Lutheran Minor Causes Columbine High School Massacre

Andrea Yates

U.S. Evangelical Christian Mother Drowns Her Five Children

ILLE exclusive: Rumored list of top ten books

2009-01-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Recently, an anonymous source has informed Indian Roller Correspondent, Itinerant Little Leprechaun (ILLE)

ILLE:

of the rumored top ten book titles at the upcoming George W. Bush Presidential Center Library at SMU in Dallas. An exclusive just for Indian Roller readers:

10. The Ted Haggard Autobiography by Ted Haggard
9. Rand McNally's Book of World Geography and Proper Country Names
8. Singing Shut: The Rise and Fall of the Dixie Chicks by Rush Limbaugh
7. Jesus in Galapagos: The Missionary Exploits of Charles Darwin by Michael Behe
6. Milk and Honey: Gay Compassion for the Love of God by Rick Warren
5. Penguin Handbook of English Grammar and Sentence Structure
4. Mission Accomplished: The Blackwater Crusade by Donald Rumsfeld
3. Secretary of Straight: Global Detente and Queer Overtures by Dick Cheney
2. The Holy Bible and Other Folk Tales
1. The Holy Bible and Other Fairy Tales

"Ever wish a fish could fly?"

GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2009-01-25T18:28:00.000-08:00

"The sound of the pound makes the world go 'round."
- Guru GlobalAnanda.

El Segundo Morning

Quote of the Week:

2009-01-19T16:47:00.001-08:00

“Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'”

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Check out our latest hybrid..."

Of Slumdogs and Success

2009-01-18T13:58:00.000-08:00

Slumdog Millionaire Director, Danny Boyle

With the runaway success of Danny Boyle's rags-to-riches flick, Slumdog Millionaire, Hollywood is hungry for an encore. There are rumors that Will Smith is eager to collaborate with Danny Boyle in a future Bollywood-inspired drama. Also, Creative Artists Agency, whose clients include Kate Winslet, has signed a contract with "Slumdog" star, Freida Pinto.

This is a windfall for Bollywood, whose offerings of formulaic, melodramatic musicals, have been shunned by Hollywood for decades. Recently, Indian Roller Correspondent, Itinerant Little Leprechaun (ILLE)

ILLE:

had a chance to talk to Nikhil (Nick) Mukherjee, President of Amrutraj Films, a movie-production company with links to studios in Mumbai. His company recently signed a five-year contract with Features Development, Zeitgeist Beacon Group, a Hollywood entertainment studio based in Signal Hill, California to option Bollywood-style dramas to be marketed in the U.S.

ILLE: What do you make of the success of Slumdog Millionaire in the U.S.?

Mukherjee: In terms of unraveling the key to the success of Bollywood films in the U.S., Slumdog Millionaire is the Rosetta Stone of Bollywood films. It has given us the clues to translate Bollywood films into instant, Hollywood hits.

ILLE: What are those keys to the success if you can share it?

Mukherjee: Sure...it's simple, really. You take an ordinary, run-of-mill Bollywood masala movie, like Slumdog Millionaire, and make it with newbie actors like Dev Patel and Freida Pinto. This keeps the budget really low. But the key to success is hiring Westerners, such as Danny Boyle, to direct and Simon Beaufoy to write the script. Because, in order to appeal to Hollywood audiences, you have to have directors and writers who are more attuned to the taste of Hollywood audiences.

ILLE: So, you think that having Indians exercise creative control in a Bollywood film can actually hurt the success of the film in Hollywood?

Mukherjee: Exactly. Any Bollywood masala film has to have a Westerner at the helm if it expects to do well at the Hollywood box office. Bollywood fare with all-Indian crews, for example, such as Taare Zameen Par or Chak De India, have been blockbusters in India but they couldn't even manage to last more than a few weeks in the U.S. And while Slumdog Millionaire is being celebrated at the moment, Taare Zameen Par (which won numerous awards in India) was rejected from consideration as Best Foreign Film at the upcoming Oscars ceremony. You realize that these movies are doing poorly in the U.S. because they had no Westerner at the helm exercising creative control over the product.

ILLE: How does distribution and scope of release affect the success of a Bollywood film in the U.S?

Mukherjee: Well, distribution does affect the number of audiences who will see a film in the U.S. But a large, nationwide release of a Bollywood film is still no guarantee that it will reap the dividends at the U.S. box office. Take the example of the comedy, Chandni Chowk to China, which was distributed nationwide by Warner Bros. It was a dud because it had no Westerners directing it or writing the script. You see, an all-Indian film crew will carry little heft with the Hollywood audience or the Hollywood media. Even the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the agency behind the Golden Globes, is looking for names, such as, Danny Boyle, that they are familiar with. An all-Indian film crew carries no cachet among Hollywood media circles.

ILLE: What about the stories and the characters portrayed in Slumdog Millionaire? Do they tell us anything about the movie's success?

Mukherjee: What the success of Slumdog Millionaire tells us is that Bollywood movies must reinforce the impressions of India that Westerners already have -- a poverty-stricken, corruption-ridden, under-developed land that is also filled with colors, hope, mysticism, and exotica. And they have to be made by someone from the West as films such as Salaam Bombay! or Parinda were never as successful. Even films such as 1947 (released as Earth abroad) or Water, which were on serious topics and made for a global audience were never as popular because they had an Indian crew.

ILLE: So, is there a Bollywood story formula that works for Hollywood?

Mukherjee: Yes, that's what I meant by masala...A masala is an Indian word that means spices but it also could mean a "recipe", or a "formula." The Bollywood masala that would work in Hollywood is the Capra-esque triumph of a poor, hapless romantic over his star-crossed circumstances. Or the triumph of a great leader such as Gandhiji which was already the subject of the western film, Gandhi. Bollywood's interpretation of our great leader, the blockbuster Lage Raho Munna Bhai, remains unknown in Hollywood.

The work of the talented Indian filmmaker Satyajit Ray comes to mind. His films were often without a happily-ever-after endings and although they did well in some parts of Europe, out here in Hollywood, all his films were never recognized even though many feel him to be one of the greatest filmmakers of the 20th century.

ILLE: Is there a sequel planned for Slumdog Millionaire?

Mukherjee: The details are sketchy now but whatever we do will be written and directed by Westerners with an all-Indian cast working to realize the director's creative vision.

ILLE: So, you see Western supervision as a prerequisite to success?

Mukherjee: Absolutely. No matter how you spin a Bollywood saga for Hollywood, if you want it to succeed, it will need a Westerner, like Danny Boyle, at the helm. No question about it.

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2009-01-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

"Desist now, to coexist forever."
- Guru GlobalAnanda

A Turkey's Swan Song...

2009-01-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

As he bides his time to the end of his line at the White House, George W. Bush, arguably, the most ineffective president of the U.S. in a century, still bears his trademark grin of smugness. Perhaps, an indictment of war crimes and aggression will wake him up from his self-induced reverie of eight years. No matter how you spin it, the verdict is plain to see -- Bush, in his eight years as commander-in-chief, has been a turkey.

As with the 2003 Thanksgiving event in Baghdad where he dished out a faux, decorative turkey to the American troops, Bush's approach to governing the nation has been similar: false promises, fear mongering, and a floundering economy. When asked by Wall Street Journal Columnist, Kimbery A. Strassel, about what he's learned from his time in office, this Turkey-of-a-President responded, "I've learned that God is good. All the time."(Bush on His Record). Tell that to the family members of the dead and the maimed whose tragedies are directly linked to a war that Bush unleashed upon two nations with doctored evidence and insufficient grounds.

Due to his lack of understanding of the separation between the church and the state, this Turkey-of-a-President has created an atmosphere where Christian fundamentalism is running rampant, while squashing tolerance and treading upon the traditional secular values in the U.S. Bush's legacy is now a nation where intolerance and religious bigotry is considered "okay" and tantamount to "national security," as illustrated by recent events at an airport in Washington, D.C. the nation's Capitol. It is alleged that some teenagers overheard a conversation between a Muslim group in an airplane and acting as vigilantes, they had the group evicted from the plane.

Read the CNN story: Safest seat remarks get Muslim family kicked off plane

Bush is strangely gung-ho about unilateralism and perhaps, owing to his sinister and underhanded approval of Christian religious unilateralism today, a vast majority of the citizens of the U.S. who are either atheists, non-Christians, or just-plain secular are often at the receiving end of religious bigotry.

Here's hoping that this one turkey stays in the bush for good.

Two for Peace and Unity

2009-01-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

As the leaders of India and Pakistan engage in saber-rattling and political maneuvering, the Indian Roller turns the spotlight on to two people who defied conventional wisdom and worked towards unity and freedom from religious and racial biases.

Indar Jit Rikhye

General Indar Jit Rikhye (Photo Source: Economist.com)

Indar Jit Rikhye was born in Pakistan in 1920 and graduated from the Indian Military Academy of Unified Indian in 1939. He went on to command India's troops in Sinai and Gaza in 1957 as part of the U.N. peacekeeping force in that region. General Rikhye was a U.N. military adviser and after retiring from the U.N. he founded the International Peace Academy, now renamed, The International Peace Institute.

In its obituary for General Rikhye, The Economist states that, "In his last years, living contentedly in America, General Rikhye would often wish aloud that Pakistan and India could bridge their differences and combine their armies."

Obituary of General Rikhye, Economist.com:
Indar Jit Rikhye, an Indian peacekeeper

Helen Suzman

Helen Suzman and Nelson Mandela (Photo Source: news.bbc.co.uk)

As a member of the Parliament in South Africa's apartheid era, Helen Suzman went against the grain of her pro-apartheid peers for 13 long years. Her detractors lashed out at her with anti-Semitic epithets and accused her of being a member of the Communist party. She persevered and worked to rid South Africa of the yoke of apartheid and ensure unity and freedom for all peoples in her country (a nation where Mahatma Gandhi incubated his movement for an Independent India, free of colonial hegemony).

Associated BBC article on Helen Suzman:
Suzman 'brave voice' on apartheid

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-12-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

"The Divine cannot be nothing, nor can It be local, therefore, the Divine is everything and It is Global."
- Guru GlobalAnanda

Dateline Ille (Itinerant L'l Leprechaun Erin):

2008-12-26T10:57:00.000-08:00

"Am all outta ammo, Sarge...should I go for the shoe throw?"

An ILLE exclusive:

By declining to uphold the dictates of Prop. 8, The Attorney General of the State of California, Jerry Brown, has taken a bold and laudable move to stop the fundamentalists from treading upon our fundamental rights. With every election in the U.S. it becomes more and more apparent that the religious zealots in this country are breaching the "separation of church and state" doctrine that was guaranteed to the citizens of the U.S. by the Founding Fathers of the Constitution. Fundamentalist churches and other evangelical religious institutions, flush with cash from their tax-exempt status, are now focused on wielding political power and becoming the proxy voices of their parishes. California pastor, Rick Warren, one of the strident voices in support of Prop. 8 (the proposition that opposes civil rights through the banning of same-sex marriages) has enough influence in the political arena to be invited to conduct the invocation ceremony of the 44th President of the U.S. -- Barack Obama.

The rise of religious institutions in the political sphere is an alarming development because it erodes the very bedrock of secularism that the U.S. was founded upon. The Founding Fathers of the U.S. Constitution, such as, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, were well aware of the pernicious effects of religion in the affairs of the state, having experienced the oppression and hegemony of the Church of England in the late eighteenth century in the 13 colonies. In his New York Times bestseller, The God Delusion, author Richard Dawkins includes a remark from Jefferson that might have reflected his frustration with the rigidity of religious systems -- "Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man" (64). Dawkins appends another revealing quip on anti-clericalism by James Madison, the fourth President of the U.S.: "During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution" (64).

And starting with Prop. 8 in 2008, a system which at times has perpetuated superstition, bigotry, and persecution is now running roughshod over the civil rights of honest, law-abiding, tax-paying citizens of the U.S.

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-12-17T00:22:00.000-08:00

"To realize your goal of globalization, you must visualize, contextualize, and then, mobilize. These are the cardinal globalasanas."
- Guru GlobalAnanda

Drooling and Dribbling over a White Christmas...

2008-12-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

Following an online order of a battery-operated, realistic, furry puppy, the Indian Roller received two Christmas shopping catalogues from Taylor Gifts and Get Organized. Both catalogues share the same address (600 Cedar Hollow Road, Paoli, PA) so it makes sense that they were bundled in the same online order. But that's not the all that the catalogues share -- the Indian Roller also wondered why each solely featured caucasian models. Aren't we beyond "whites only?"

Indeed, the "only" other ethnic representation in the entire catalog for Taylor Gifts (estd. 1952) was an African-American figure -- Item # 29017A -- a plastic figurine of President-elect Barrack Obama. He also appears in a campaign collectible, genuine, legal-tender, dollar coin -- Item #29033A --displayed in an airtight, protective, acrylic coin holder with felt box. You can also get a John McCain version of both.

These items did make Indian Roller wonder about something else:

Source: http://www.ustreas.gov/education/faq/coins/portraits.shtml#q13

Question:
Is it illegal to damage or deface coins?

Answer:
Section 331 of Title 18 of the United States code provides criminal penalties for anyone who “fraudulently alters, defaces, mutilates impairs, diminishes, falsifies, scales, or lightens any of the coins coined at the Mints of the United States.” This statute means that you may be violating the law if you change the appearance of the coin and fraudulently represent it to be other than the altered coin that it is. As a matter of policy, the U.S. Mint does not promote coloring, plating or altering U.S. coinage: however, there are no sanctions against such activity absent fraudulent intent.

At taylorgifts.com, there's a sombre-pale-faced Santa who reminds you that there are only 10 days left until Christmas. It's his busiest time of the year and it appears that he might even be forced to work while sitting on the throne using one of the top Christmas decorations featured on this site, The Singing Toilet Paper:

Here's a plug for The Singing Toilet Paper from the Taylor Gifts catalogue:
"Plays a medley of Christmas tunes, including Jingle Bells, Santa is Comin' to Town, and We Wish you a Merry Christmas, as the paper pulls from the roll. Miniature device installs undetected, serenades the unsuspecting. Batteries included."

Ah, would the "unsuspecting" be the ones who will discover the day after Christmas that they are head over heels in debt?

Celebrate the Grinch in YOU...

2008-12-13T18:38:00.000-08:00

Lost and Found Near Ackerman Union - From the Ground Up

An ongoing primer for the floccinaucinihilipilification of Christmas season in the workplace:

If you are not accustomed to feeling sudden, inward bursts of cheer and generosity in your workplace due to the onslaught of Christmas-season cheer, you might be temporarily consigned to a minority feeling. In fact, here are some scenarios in the workplace around the Christmas season that you may find alarming, if not downright vexing:

#1 Insensitivity: Some of your clueless co-workers will send mass e-mails to your group or department with clarion calls of "Merry Christmas!" If you do not observe Christmas, you might catch yourself thinking, "How could she be so clueless?...Let me teach her a lesson...ah, let me write back, Happy Hannukah and the Best of Kwanzaa too!" But resist that urge and take the higher ground -- Maintain the Obama mindset in the face of these Sarah Palins. Remember, the Grinch did not react until he was pushed to the limit.

In his best-selling tome on personal development, First Things First, author Steven R. Covey writes that "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

So be true to the Grinch in you and for that Christmas mass-mail, in your e-mail application, choose "Move to Trash."

#2 Shameless Consumerism: Holiday raffles, toy drives, and calls for donations will flood your senses in the workplace and mount an assault on your wallet. You might get e-mails from valued colleagues because "it is the season for giving." The raffles taunt you with the prospect of a 52-inch plasma TV while the pictures of needy, inner-city schools who are beneficiaries of the toy drives rankle your guilt. Why do we plant a Christmas tree in the corner and declare the need to line it with toys and trinkets without which we got along just fine throughout the year? And what message are we relaying to these kids through our toy drives? That if your parents cannot afford a gift that you really do not need, we'll step in and feed your want, just this once, every year. And what about the kids whose parents do not observe Christmas? Should we pander to their desires even though their parents do not subscribe to this "bizarre" custom of gift-giving designed around a fabricated birth day? Hmm.

Take the high road again, Grinchophiles! If you have been doing community service for the last 11 months of the year, steer clear of the assault on your hard-earned dough. Now is the time to indulge yourself with a pair of running shoes that will allow you to run away from your workplace delusion of Christmas cheer. And your reward? You will be smiling on New Year's Day because you did not exhaust that cheerfullness and your wallet by 12 pm, Dec. 25.

More to come...What's the deal with that song, "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas?"

How the Grinch Stoked Christmas

2008-12-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

"It's the economy, son...and we need your piggy bank for our bailout..."

Admit it, for all the talk of a secular America, it is predominantly, a Christian nation with Christian predilections. And that is never more obvious than the weeks that count down from Thanksgiving day to Christmas day. The President of this nation has a giant Christmas tree hauled over for just the occasion although you will scarcely ever see him honor the birthday of Buddha with a Bodhi Tree in the White House. How about a palm tree for Muhammad's birthday or a faux burning bush for Moses birth anniversary in the lawns of the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Keep dreaming, my heathen friend or allow yourself to be saved by the Lord!

Unless you work for a religious organization, you can safely assume that your workplace will remain secular throughout the year with occasional festoons and party favours showing up for employees' birthdays, anniversaries and baby showers. The one exception is the month of December, when Christmas wreaths begin to adorn office hallways and the office atrium serves up the aroma of a freshly-cut Christmas tree. You will also receive an occasional "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy Christmas Holiday" greeting from a co-worker. And what do you do if you want to remind the multitude of "unquestioning believers" that Christmas was a made-up birth date of the Prophet by the Christian theocracy to supersede the Roman pagan holiday, Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, on Dec. 25? Well, that kind of mentality would classify you as a Grinch.

And that's how it all begins...What would a Grinch do in the workplace for the Christmas season. Critiquing the raison d’etre of this faux birth date will make you the most unpopular guy in the office during the Christmas holidays -- and you will draw parallels to the Grinch in the Workplace. The Grinch is an independent thinker and a celebrity, however -- with several movies to his credit -- while most of your colleagues are not. So, who would you rather be? Besides, the Grinch is green and Green is in, Green is the color of cool. Just ask Al Gore.

Countdown to Christmas: A Survival Guide for the Grinch in the Workplace

#1: Anger: Anger is the appropriate response to this flagrant violation of the expectation that workplaces need to remain secular. Besides, when you expend your anger at the workplace, you will find that your time at home is filled with tranquility and calm.

#2 Derision: When a cheery co-worker greets you with a "Happy Christmas", respond with an equally uplifting "Happy Hannukah", "Eid Mubarak", or "Kwanzaa Greetings."

# 3 Denial: You can pretend not to look at the Christmas ornaments that are decking the hallways of your path to the coffeemaker. Distract yourself by checking your text messages as you walk the corridors suffused with Christmas cheer.

# 4 Avoidance: Save all of your vacation for this time of the year. Honor the Wiccan in you and drive out to a festival of Yule. Or organize an annual festival of dredle spinnin' and kugel eatin' in Alaska. Or go on a fat-burning, annual Haj to Mecca.

# 5 Shock: This one's for the environmentalist in you. Why are we cutting down more trees to fill a corner when Mother Earth needs more forests and whatever greenery that we have left on this planet?

More to come…from negative-centeredness -> positive vibes -> taking charge of your Christmas-season destiny

A ten-step primer to the floccinaucinihilipilification of Christmas season in the workplace by the Grinch in YOU.

Stay tuned...

Big B Admits Packing a Big Shot

2008-11-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

While fear and uncertainty gripped Bombay earlier this week, here's how two of the city's luminaries shared their fears and dread in their own words...

Excerpts from Amitabh Bachchan's blog:

"As an Indian, I need to live in my own land, on my own soil with dignity and without fear. And I need an assurance on that.

I am ashamed to say this and not afraid to share this now with the rest of the cyber world, that last night, as the events of the terror attack unfolded in front of me I did something for the first time and one that I had hoped never ever to be in a situation to do.

Before retiring for the night, I pulled out my licensed .32 revolver, loaded it and put it under my pillow. For a very disturbed sleep."

DAY 218

Posted on: November 27, 2008 - 11:06 pm
http://bigb.bigadda.com/

Excerpts From Aamir Khan's blog:

"I dread to think of how various political parties are now going to try and use this tragedy to further their political careers. At least now they should learn to not divide people and instead become responsible leaders. An incident such as this really exposes how ill-equipped we are as a society as far as proper leaders go. We desperately need young, dynamic, honest, intelligent and upright leaders, who actually care for the country.

Faith.

Jai Hind."

SHOCKED, HEARTBROKEN, HELPLESS, ANGRY.
Nov,27,2008

http://aamirkhan.com/blog.htm

Gabbar Singh! Are you listening?

Slumdog Millionaire: A Rags to Rancid Tale

2008-11-29T02:08:00.001-08:00

Slumdog Millionaire (2008), co-directed by Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandon, fails to extricate itself from its own self-created "filmic ghetto" of stereotype and poor choices. Focusing on the story of Jamal Malik ( Dev Patel), a love-struck kid determined to shed his violent and tragic upbringing in Bombay slums, Slumdog Millionaire is a well-intentioned but ultimately failed attempt at social commentary. Running 2 hours and ten minutes, the film is rife with stereotypes, cliches and bromides that would make any Bombay-wallah cringe in dispair. Jamal's love interest is Latika (Freida Pinto), a hapless orphan whose presence offers nothing but predictability from her first appearance on screen.

Both Patel and Pinto struggle painstakingly through maudlin and fatuos lines of love, anticipation, and honour. Indeed the narrative, nothing short of hackneyed Bollywood-masala, forces this viewer to wonder why the filmmakers didn't just throw in a few song-and-dance numbers since they had the famed music director, A.R. Rahman, in their company.

The most jarring element of the film, however, lies in what amounts to an unfortunate decision by the filmmakers to ignore an integral component of Mumbai life - its language. Not only Jamal, but hoodlums, thugs, and minor characters speak an immaculate English, barring one Hindi expletive (matherchod - motherfucker). In fact, the language of the slums in Mumbai, Bambaiya Hindi, is a mix of Urdu, Hindi, and Marathi. If the filmmakers really wanted to speak to the needs of the people of Mumbai, they should have tried to stay true to these roots instead of trying to pander to a global audience. Pinto and several members of the Indian cast are obviously uncomfortable with the nuances of their feelings rendered in the English dialogue and they often mumble their lines in incoherent little sentences as if reading a teleprompter on their co-actors' eyes. Indeed, because many of the exchanges between Jamal and Latika are barely audible, the filmmakers should have redone entire conversations in ADR.

The uneven storytelling is not aided by the Dutch angles which seem more ostentatious than helpful to the construction of the film. The pretentiously hip music does not adequately convey the grim conditions of some of the worst slums in India. Foreigners became cardboard cutouts created for comic effect, while antagonists are instantly familiar because they are either wife-beaters or are swearing at women with foul language. Even veteran Bollywood star, Anil Kapoor, portrays Prem Kumar, the host of, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" with a healthy dose of histrionics and insincerity. The problems with language continue as Kapoor mumbles part of his lines in Hindi, an act which leaves the non-Hindi speaking audience clueless because the lines are not always followed by subtitles in English. Perhaps the only redeeming element of this mediocre and forgettable film is the soundtrack, which offers some innovative and entertaining lyrics.

One is left to wonder why such a problematic film received so many positive reviews from Hollywood-media critics. Is there an element of the "noble savage" in the way that Hollywood critics relax the standards for filmmakers who touch on South Asian themes or are they just being safe and politically correct in not identifying sloppy filmmaking for what it is? Do Hollywood movie critics have double standards for Hollywood-based films as compared to foreign films?

Slumdog Millionaire is a dog in Danny Boyle's oeuvre and barely deserves a B-movie grade. Prem Kumar's million-dollar question in the eponymous show to Jamal should have been: "Will this dud-of-a-movie pass the critics' muster...Are you sure?...Or would you like to go 50/50?"

Turkey in the Strife...

2008-11-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

From the Diaries of ILLE : Itinerant Little Leprechaun Erin

If the massacre of Native Americans and the betrayal of their trust was part of the "manifest destiny" and the grand plan for annexation of their land was biblical prophecy, how did the lowly turkey get caught in the fray?
Thanksgiving 2008

Bombay Blues

2008-11-27T14:29:00.000-08:00

The Taj Hotel in Bombay (Pic from news.bbc.co.uk)

To the people of Bombay who will prove again and again that their spirit is indomitable. These raging flames and billowy ashes will another Phoenix make.

Samosas at Sotheby's

2008-11-22T18:44:00.000-08:00

"Boys...time to load up on Omega-3's!"

According to the world-renowned exponent of global trends and New York Times columnist, Thomas Friedman, we inhabit a hot, flat, and crowded world where clean water will be a scarce commodity. And he isn't talking about a Roman bathhouse. In any event, one of the consequences of the flattening of the world is the creation of an environment in which products could be competitively produced in any corner of the world. This should lead to a fiercely competitive market of vendors, thereby pushing prices down of most commodities and benefiting the average Joe (even Joe the Plumber).

But one commodity appears to resist that trend and has become a major bugaboo in the overarching theories of Mr. Friedman. But that commodity also happens to be the might samosa, the staple snack of more than a billion people on this earth. The global disparity in the price of the samosa has flummoxed many Wall Street gurus and continues to be a bete noire of economic theorists who are painstakingly trying to fit the earth into a One World/One Theory paradigm.

At a tea stall in Calcutta, the samosa may cost you Rs. 2 (about 4 U.S. cents), at a posh hotel in Bombay it may set you back Rs. 60 ($1.25) and at the Gaylord's in San Francisco the sumptuous snack is roughly, $2.50 each. But as we all await a globally flat price of, maybe, 4 cents a samosa, a hawker in Sonepur, India, bucked the flattening trend by charging a Dutch couple the princely sum of Rs. 2,500 ($40) per samosa.

According to a BBC report by Amarnath Tewary in Patna, "The young hawker insisted in broken English that the samosas were specially made of Indian herbs and had aphrodisiac qualities, local official Paritosh Kumar Das told the BBC. "

Read the full report here:

Tourists in India in samosa shock

It appears that samosas laced with herbs and aphrodisiacs are worth their weight in gold. There might be rumours that Keith Richards is seeking to trade his Rolex for samosas laced with other uplifting substances.

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-11-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Z is the functional letter of Globalization...as in, democratiZation, liberaliZation, optimiZation, assetiZation, and organiZation..."

- Guru GlobalAnanda

From Pidgin to Palinese...

2008-11-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

"Monitor size matters, Quigley. This way I don't have to see YOU."

While the American media has been busy excoriating Sarah Palin for her gaffes in grammer, her sentence constructions have vindicated those of us who cannot claim English as our first language or mother tongue. Palin has freed us from some of those ghastly regimens of "proper" English and overthrown the shackles of colonial, linguistic hegemony. First it was the gansta rappers who freed us from the taboo of dangling prepositions with their diction. Now, Palin comes in with an unbridled, dumb-as-you-wanna-be version of the language that had been regimented to exclusivity by linguists and grammar-nazi's in the same manner that the Catholic priests guard the rights to holy communion.

Conjunction, hell...what's your function? Why can't the Verb agree to disagree with the Subject? What's the tension between the past, the present, and present perfect? Why can't we just speak Palinese...Apparently, 26 per cent of the Republican conservative base had no trouble understanding her. Imagine that -- a base of supporters who believe that we should return to the sanctity of a 2000-year-old book to live our daily lives and yet they rejected the rigid syntax of a 1000-year-old language, English, by accepting Palinese. We're on to something -- a new language, a new vernacular, a new way, a new day. Viva Palinese!

Case in point...start your day with this:

Two gems of Palinese from Sarah Palin in an interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008. Notice that you get the gist of it without wallowing in the messy details...It's the gestalt, baby!

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

"Well, let's see. There's ― of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but ―" --Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe vs. Wade.

Coming Soon to Amazon:
"Better Grammar? You betcha!" by Sarah Palin

Globalogues...

2008-11-09T20:51:00.001-08:00

An Interview with ILLE: The Bible as a Weapon of Mass Discrimination (WMD)

2008-11-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Following the frenzied week of the elections in the U.S., The Indian Roller caught up with Itinerantl L'l Leprechaun Erin, aka ILLE, who returned to Los Angeles from a whirlwind trip of North Carolina, where the state voted in favour of a Democratic presidential candidate for the first time since 1976.

ILLE was in West Los Angeles to grant the Indian Roller a short interview on the political aftermath of this week's election:

Indian Roller (IR): Were you able to vote in this election?

ILLE: No, Leprechauns and other mythical creatures are barred from the voting process. But, not being able to vote allows me to observe this election as a neutral, non-partisan representative of the American people.

IR: Could you share some of your observations?

ILLE: Well, it's hard to put in words anything that the media hasn't already said. But I should like to add that the election of an African-American is the absolute denouement of the history of civil rights in this country and a direct salute to diversity of the American people...Obama's father is African and his mother, an American...so, he deserves the moniker, African-American.

IR: Let's talk about California...Many political pundits claim that it is the harbinger of controversial issues in U.S. politics? Do you agree?

ILLE: As far as the issues in California go, Prop. 4 and Prop. 8 were the two Bible-thumping issues and it was interesting to note that the same Latino and African-American demographics that voted for Obama might have voted Yes on Prop. 8 to deny the right of marriage to same-sex couples. Prop 4 was an anti-abortion measure couched as a family-friendly proposition with strong Bible-inspired verbiage.

IR: So, are you opposed to Bible-inspired propositions?

ILLE: If you look at the chequered history of religion and affairs of the state in the U.S., you will find that the Bible was used to justify slavery...the Bible was quoted to ban inter-racial marriages until California overturned the ban in 1948...and the Bible was often used to justify subjugation of women and deny them suffrage. During various times, for various causes, the Bible has been used by various religious groups as a Weapon of Mass Discrimination...the Bible is a WMD.
IR: Are you saying that the Bible is being used to deny civil rights to U.S. citizens?

ILLE: It's interesting to note that a large proportion of the African-American community in California voted to create a historic milestone in the struggle for civil rights by electing Obama to the Presidency. The Rev. Martin Luther King lived and died fighting for the rights of every dis-enfranchised American citizen. He fought the religious and social bigotry and the biblical justification of slavery. I'm not certain, then, that I understand why some African-Americans voted to ban same-sex marriage based on their faith in the Bible. A "No" vote on same-sex marriage is an attack against civil rights...there's no denying that.

IR: So what do you recommend?

ILLE: Well I see a two-part, long-term solution to the malaise of the mixing of church and state. First, the Government should withhold the tax-exempt status of all churches that choose to engage in the political affairs of the state. Second, I propose an Education programme to empower people to think for themselves and not be waylaid by wanton interpretations of social laws that are derived from ancient dogmas, ideologies, books, and fairy tales that have little relevance to our modern-day lives. If people could think for themselves and engage in their own spiritual quests, we wouldn't need these religious institutions that thrive by controlling your mind and by telling you where to donate your money... and how to vote. It's because people have allowed themselves to become the sheep and have become addicted to rote passages that give them simple fables of hate and love --

IR: Any final words?

ILLE: I think it was Mark Twain, one of America's foremost writers, who said: "A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. "

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-11-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

"Constructive Criticism is the bedrock of global progress."

- Guru GlobalAnanda

Globalogues...

2008-10-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-10-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

"In globalization, time is money...Always carry a currency converter."

- Guru GlobalAnanda

Joe's to Feature in McCain-Palin Economic Agenda

2008-10-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

The McCain-Palin campaign unveiled a unique solution to the current financial crises plaguing the U.S. The plan includes boosting our economy with revenues generated by cage duels between Joe Six-Pack and Joe the Plumber to be officiated by Joe Lieberman.

"There will be blood to pay, you betcha," said Sarah Palin,"but that's how you achieve trickle-down economy, gosh darn it!"

Palin, who is credited with successfully galvanizing the base instincts of her Republican party die-hards added that for years, the economy of Alaska has survived on revenues from cage duels between Bullwinkle and Joe Camel.

"I've always pitted big cartoon characters against big tobacco agents and guess who's winnin'(sic)," she quipped with a wink, "The State of Alaska and my hubby, Todd Palin." She later amended that statement by saying that she was referring to her husband's winnings in dog-sledding across America and drilling for oil in the backyard of their trailer home in Wasilla.

"Friends, I am proud of Sarah Palin,"said Senator McCain clutching a pen and clenching his teeth,"She can spot a terrorist from miles away." McCain added that Palin honed her terrorist-detection skills by "keeping a clear watch on the Bering Strait" and "staring those Ruskies down."

"It's a tough job and only a maverick like her could do it,"adding that, in 2004, George Bush should have ditched the "crusty" Dick Cheney and picked Palin as his running mate.

"I am no George Bush and I picked Sarah Palin as my partner," McCain announced to the thunderous crowd at the moose-carving party. A few minutes later, he had to explain to his supporters about the salient differences between an Arab and a "decent American."

"I am proud of my supporters,"beamed McCain,"they are patriots, heroes, and now, because they understand the difference between an Arab and an American, they will refuse to vote for Obama!"

The Quick-and-Dirty "Vote for Palin" Questionnaire

2008-10-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

Still undecided on whether to vote for Sarah Palin?

Do not fret. These easy questions will help you decide. You must answer an emphatic "Yes" to all of the following...there are no "if's", "but's" or "maybe's"...:

Do YOU believe:

That the United Nations is responsible for our current financial snafu?

That Freedom is to be "Pro-Life" and "Pro-Death" penalty?

That Putin will rear his head in the airspace of Alaska?

That traveling abroad is un-patriotic?

That every Muslim is a terrorist?

That your IQ is less than Bullwinkle, a liberal, socialist elite from Wassamatta U.?

That you can use "You betcha", "Gosh darn", and "Joe six-pack" in a song?

That the capital of the United States should be Wasilla failing which Alaska should secede?

That you are a maverick?

Remember, a vote for Palin is a vote for Freedom -- from the pesky g's as in, cheerin', winnin' and moose-huntin'!

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-10-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Globalization motto #1:
"We trade to live, not live to trade."
- Guru GlobalAnanda

Waiter, There's a Fly in My Religion!

2008-10-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

The rate at which many prominent politicians in the U.S. mix religion with politics is simply alarming. Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Sarah Palin, and Barack Obama have been either zealous in mixing it with their political messages or highly reluctant in disassociating themselves from religious ideology despite the fact that the U.S. Constitution is unequivocally sanguine about separation of church and state. History has proved to us, time and time again, that religion and politics is an incendiary mixture that has caused death, devastation and unmitigated misery to millions of people over the ages. The Bible, the Koran, and the Torah are rusty-old books that can easily be turned into weapons of mass destruction.

Recently, I started reading the Cartoon History of the World III, an extremely well-researched and illustrated book (see image), and the perhaps one of the motifs that emerges from the book is that religion, while it provided succour and stability to many cultures, was a cause of great suffering and humiliation to those that were deemed to be, the "others." Although Mr.Gonick, the author, never avers to it, but I came away with the feeling that mass religion is the scourge of humanity and we'd be much better off thinking for ourselves and engaging in our own spiritual quests. This would obviously result in a drop in attendance at churches, mosques, synagogues, and temples but the world will be better for it. Let's pray to the Almighty Dollar (or the Euro or the Yuan) instead. Everybody can see it, visualize and fantasize about it, and we all know how it feels to have one in our hands--it is an out-of-body experience to hold a Ben Franklin in your hand.

Which reminds me, if you ever felt uncomfortable with the inane drivel of modern-day religions but felt shy to voice your opinions, go see Bill Maher's Religulous. It makes laughing stock of our strict adherence to religious strictures and offers up a good laugh in the process. I was in stitches throughout the entire movie and Maher's sharp-witted questions to the defenders of the religious scriptures reveals the depths to which we are ready to accept the hocus-pocus in our religions while we are quick to deride other religious canons as inaccurate and mere fantasy. By the end of the documentary it is fairly clear that all mainstream religions today are based on some virtue-inspired fables, fairy tales, and myths, but it is alarming to see the custodians of those religions trying to convince Bill Maher that their beliefs are the one-true beliefs. And it this trait of unilateralism in every mainstream religion that makes these religion so potentially dangerous, pernicious, and deadly. It was Thomas Jefferson who said, "But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

Two quotes that I'd like to add here:
“This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it”
-John Adams

"Religion is the opiate of the masses."
-Karl Marx

In the chequered history of the U.S., religious bigots have Bible-thumped their way into justifying slavery, inequality of sexes, and a ban on mixed-marriages. So, don't let the religious bigots define what marriage means for the rest of us...Vote "NO" on California Prop 8. Marriage is an equal right for all!

Guru Globalananda's Globalogues

2008-10-02T21:57:00.001-07:00

Civility is that you come together...even when you defer or differ.
- Guru Globalananda

The Little Giant of Porbandar

2008-10-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today is the birth anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi, a towering Indian, a world citizen and a relentless voice for humanity. On this day in 1869, our civilization welcomed an individual who went on to inspire the world with ahimsa (non-violence) and satyagraha (truth-force). When we were children, we learned about his life and his great stature as a leader of the people. But it's only when you are an adult and you've dealt with the various vicissitudes of your lives, that you realize the forces that he was up against, the difficult decisions that he had to make and the strength of his will, against all odds. I am sure that he made some grave mistakes that he regretted and there were moments of self-doubt and hesitation, but what he accomplished in the 77 years of his life is simply astounding...

Bapu (father of the nation), as he was known to those who loved and revered him as beacon of a secular India, was partly inspired by Henry Thoreau and in turn, inspired other proponents of non-violence and peaceful civil disobedience, such as, Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela.

On the fifth year of the unilateral and illegal occupation of a sovereign nation, Iraq, by the Bush regime, these words by Gandhi ring true, once again:

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy?"

And here's a pic from BBC Day in Pictures from Amristsar, India...Little Gandhi's in a march!

Guru GlobalAnanda's Globalogues

2008-09-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

"Be mindful that you are not oblivious to the most obvious."

- Guru GlobalAnanda

Agreement of the Verb with the Subject?

2008-09-27T17:10:00.001-07:00

Now, here's a very special candidate who is protected by the enormity of her ignorance. A perfect score for free-associating with gay abandon in an interview with Katie Couric.

Ode to the Pope

2008-09-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

You say you breathe
the fire of the Lord,
you walk the way that
He would stride
and talk the way
He should be communicating

You say you have
the keys to joy and bliss
and yet all you can offer
is the door to hate and
the path to the bigot's lair

When you stand in the front of the mirror
shorn of your sequined garb
and your silken linings,
do you see the face of your Father
or do you count those
wrinkles that bear the weight
of your spite and wanton rantings
on what is right or what is wrong
as you would see
as you would decree

When you stare at yourself
do you think of how
the son of the Lord would opine
on your riches, your marbled edifices
your golden tiaras and Prada steps
your bullet-proof Mercedes and
your mile-long retinues
your trail of sycophants
the confetti and the sheep of your cult
those showers of praise and
adulation...do they make you that
you're greater than thine Father in Heaven
and do you really need Him more
than He needs you

When those long and stately hallways
grow longer still
when the giant windows that
frame your sheep grow dimmer still
When your feet finally yield to
your lifelong burden of deception
Will your soul step up and teach you
a few common courtesies that you denied
your world...like a little humility, brotherhood,
love and tolerance of the other.

"It's your mother, Lord...did you forget her birthday?"

Is the Plastic Ono Band Considered Harmful to Babies?

2008-08-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

We shall never really know the answer to that but who knows how often John and Yoko fed Sean with plastic bottles. The Canadian government is considering banning them and Wal Mart may not carry them any more. Wal Mart! That bastion of unscrupulous business practices is considering taking a popular item that contains Bisphenol A (BPA) off its shelves. Ah, but what is this brouhaha all about?

Yesterday, a mailer showed up in many California homes that said, "Don't Let Sacramento Politicians Remove Products From Your Grocery Bag". The mailer was a four-page flier touting the benefits of BPA to us, the consumers, and how banning BPA would result in fewer options for the consumer. The kicker in the mailer is the statement is that "no other state in the country bans BPA." To put words in the mouth of Kramer's attorney, Jackie Chiles, this mailer is, "deleterious, devious, despicable!"

The Center for Science in Public Interest, http://www.cspinet.org/nah/bpa.html, has this quote from the National Toxicology Program in its page:

Here are NTP's conclusions:

The NTP concurs with the conclusion of the CERHR Expert Panel on Bisphenol A that there is some concern for neural and behavioral effects in fetuses, infants, and children at current human exposures. The NTP also has some concern for bisphenol A exposure in these populations based on effects in the prostate gland, mammary gland, and an earlier age for puberty in females.

California has always been one of the trendsetting states in matter of consumer rights and legislation and it would be reassuring if the folks in Sacremento used the scientific data to consider banning products, such as BPA, that are deemed harmful to babies, of all people. And not to worry, BPA Lobby, if BPA is indeed proven to be harmful, we'll find alternative ways to keep our foods safe and fresh. So, don't invite the wrath of Jackie Chiles.

The Chronicles of Ille

2008-07-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

Recently, I befriended a leprechaun who hailed from Dingle Bay, County Kerry, Ireland. As he needs a quick and easy name for his California state ID and credit cards which is: Ille (pronounced "Illie" after a quick swig of Guiness) and roughly stands for, Itinerent L'l Leprechaun Erin. As he wants to soak up as much Americana as possible, he'll be contributing reports for Indian Roller. Here is his self-portrait:

Rockin' Down San Joaquin

2008-07-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

"There...that takes care of the Wikipedia page on DOG..."

While driving up the 5 interstate freeway up through Central California, I made two new discoveries that could offset the fact that I nearly fried my brains in the 100+-degree summer heat. First off, we found a great classic rock station K100 (99.7) out of Visalia which is miles away but manages to reach the 5 freeway because the land is flat and bare and desperately needs a lift from Jimi Hendrix, Eagles and their ilk. That's definitely a relief for motorists who are not into Mexican ballads and Christian sermons that fill the airwaves for a big swath of the 5 freeway. Secondly, if you are looking for an alternative to usual fast-food chains, there's an Indian Restaurant, Taste of India, snuggled away right off the 58 Highway Exit at Buttonwillow.

We ordered a half plate of tandoori chicken, a green salad, a veggie-wrap, and some raita (yoghurt salad) to douse any extra heat. The food was uninspired, the decor in this windowless restaurant is punctuated with bizarre notices (e.g., "You must pay for what you order"), and the carpet could use a cleaning. We didn't pay any attention to the rating, because we were just happy to discover an alternative to the run-of-the-mill highway diners and fast-food chains. But I'd probably stop here again on another trip because it seemed like a family-owned/operated restaurant and I often get a craving for some red-hot tandoori chicken.

Did Not Have Viewing Relations with that YouTube

2008-07-05T00:39:00.001-07:00

"After YOU..."

Viacom would like to review the usage patterns of YouTube viewers in its lawsuit against YouTube and Google. The music industry went after individual users and it will be interesting to see how this wrangle between an old communications behemoth and a relatively new kid in the digiverse affects the viewers who have been getting their daily dose of uploads and downloads. What would be an ideal result of this litigation is a way for artists to get royalties for their copyrighted material that is being freely distributed on YouTube. After all, it would be fair for YouTube to share a portion of its revenues with the original content providers of copyrighted material. While this could result in a complex math to determine the exact share due to an artist, it's still worth exploring. The downside might be that YouTube, strapped by legal straightjacket, would lose it free-wheeling flavour in order to safeguard its bonafides, similar to the new Napster.

Bamboo musings

2008-07-03T00:25:00.000-07:00

"C'mon Suzie, think positive thoughts..."

I have been trying out the Bamboo from Wacom for the second day now and it's quite responsive compared to my old-as-Moses Intuos 2 that ran through a com port with a separate power attachment through a Wacom adapter. I bought the Bamboo (black) through Amazon and paid around $170 for it. The setup for the Bamboo was pretty straightforward and the tablet gets its power from the same USB connection. Less mess, less cables. And I like the name, Bamboo. Reminds me of the days when I used to paint bamboo leaves for hours with a black sume-i ink. And my first gag is dedicated to the Indian Roller, of course.

Hands-free in California

2008-06-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2008 in California is a watershed day. On this day, the law will require that all motorists use hand-free calling devices while making calls on their cell phones. Now, you know that Californians spend a significant amount of their lives in their cars and on their commutes. Being creative, they are bound to invent other activities to engage in while their hands are free from those menacing cell phones.

Here are a couple of possibilities...

e-bay Watch

Donuts & Cuppa Joe

Lip Gloss Retouch

Sudoku...

What's Boney M. Got to Do with Obama?

2008-06-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

Plenty...as the Indian Roller's doggerel here proves:
=======================

Obama, Obama mama
(To the tune of Bahama, Bahama mama by Boney M.)

Obama, Obama mama
Got the biggest schtick in town Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
But the Muslims bring him down Obama mama

I'm pissed at smears
Don't call me "Muslim" dear
And I'm looking high and low
As the bible-belt plays ever hard to get
I'm a winsome Christian on the go

Obama, Obama mama
You should all be looking for Obama mama
Obama, Obama mama
And I'm sure you will adore Obama mama

Of Pice and Pens

2008-01-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, a watercolorist, and I were discussing sable brushes and within minutes, it was evident that we each had different comfort zones for our painting tools and implements. I have used both Kolinsky sable brushes (Winsor & Newton - Made in England) and synthetic sable brushes (Princeton - Made in Japan). Since both Winsor & Newton and Princeton make high-quality brushes, I was hard-pressed to find a difference in results. Both were easy to handle and work with and yet, I should confess, that I felt less afraid to abuse the synthetic brush because I had paid half the price for it. And that's what really counts when you are learning -- an explorative mentality and a freedom to make mistakes without worrying about it too much.

Which reminds me, I should really put in a plug for these brush pens that I recently bought at a neighbourhood OfficeMax. They are made by Faber Castell and are sold as Manga sets, but you can use them as all-purpose ink and paint brush pens. The line is bold and the workability of the pen/brush tip is excellent. You might have to get used to the feel of the pen/brush but it is nowhere as difficult as getting used to the stylus on a Wacom tablet.

So pen/brush away...here's a pic. of the set.